Bleh

This is going to be one those blogs where I have nothing to blog about but I'll pretend that I do when really all I'm doing is ranting about random stupid shit that magically pops into my head as I sit here and bang away at my keyboard. But wait? Isn't that what a blog is for? I think I found the light.
This is why I love blogging, it's like a normal form of talking to yourself. You can't talk on the train or the bus, because the people beside you would be like "damn, what's she smoking? how many times did her parents drop her on the head". Heh. If only they knew. Omgravy! I'm soo totally in love with the O.C now! Not as in love like Smallville in love, but in love. It's such a cute show...Ben McKenzie.. RAWR!! And I've come to a conclusion about my hair... I'm dying over it! The orangeness is making me sick. I look like a Christmas tree topping. Which reminds me, Christmas is OVER!!! WOOHOO!!!! No more bright lights and nasty tree's at the malls... well not until next year. This was a painful Xmas, long and boring and dreadful, but what's even worse... the thought of going back to York. I have to do the stupid group project with those stupid bitchy white bitches who I hate, and I might have to take the ttc! EW!
I don't know why I bother to lie to myself anymore. I really don't. I keep telling myself that I'll catch up on my reading during the break or try and figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I never do. I just sit here and blog. Hah. I miss Smallville so much! I just sit here and wonder what will happen next. Yes yes, I know I said Tom Welling needs a break...BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. My poor baby, I was watching this backstage pass thing on youtube about Smallville, there's like 10 days of filming...and Tom needs to be there 9/10 of them! The other cast members are only there for like 4-5/10. He's a hard working man. And a damn good looking one too. *sigh*


Whoop whoop!! No ti na de mikkle!

If only...

I had it in me to say what I want to say to him. Ahhh.
"It's an extra dividend when you like the girl you're in love with."-- Clark Gable
It should be me. Wouldn't that be perfect? If it were me and him? Oh I think it'd be awesome. I can work up the courage to speak my mind about a million things. Yet when it comes to this, I have no back bone, and no voice. Even in my deepest drunkest something keeps holding me back from screaming out the three words that I've been keeping to myself for the longest while. This is what happens when you fall too hard and too fast. I've gotten myself into this huge emotional mess, and I don't know how to get myself out!!!

Christmas? A waste!!! I could blog and rant more, but it's 2:30 am and I'm tired. Quite possibly boxing day shopping in the morning. Maybe I'll come back and edit this tonight. Maybeeeee.
December 27, 2007
I had time to reflect. But I didn't. I'm just as confused and messed up as I was yesterday. However, I did determine that I'm NEVER going out on boxing day again. Waste of time!

Tropicana

Jumping, Jumping, HIGHER!!! Umm. EW!!!! What the hell is this? EW!!!! Merry Xmas Y'all!!! Ugh this is the wonderful art work that resulted from my family once again bringing down my self esteem. Yes I know my emo styled hair was far from perfect, but I liked it. It was one of the few things that I liked about myself. But no, they had to bring that to the ditch and leave me with orange fucking hair. *sigh* I did this for them, to make them happy, and yet they'll still criticize it!! I can't even look at myself anymore. It's sickening! ORANGE!!!!

Applesauce

"Sanity is madness put to good uses." George Santayana

In my eyes, the world is literally on fire. Now would be a good time for the Justice League to kick into action. Now for a short moment of pondering, what shall I bitch about first? The Smallville break, the death of a 16 year old girl by the hand of her own ‘father’, the holidays, or York? This is what happens when you don’t blog for over 2 months, all your ideas and feelings get lost or misguided and when you sit down to write it all out weeks later, you don’t know where to start or what to talk about.

First, my apologies to myself for not letting out my insanity by writing here when I needed to.

I guess I’ll begin with the death of the 16 year old. So her ‘father’ allegedly killed her because of her choice not to wear the hijab. What do I know about Islam? Nothing, I haven’t read the Qur’an and I don’t plan to. So why is it that I’m so scared of something that I know nothing about? For one, I think it’s because I fear that this religion may one day take over the world. Thank goodness I have a room reserved in Hell for me. Secondly, I’ve only heard bad things about this religion. People who I’ve attempted to reason with over it…are not willing to reason back. Islam is simply right to them. Maybe I can’t see their support because I don’t believe in religion myself? But after a death over something that is supposed to be optional, how else am I suppose to feel. I’m not saying that I think their religion has it written in blood that women need to confirm to this. Rather, I see this as a situation of extremist. Her ‘father’ believed too deeply that she should wear the hijab, he took it too deeply that women need to hide their faces. Some may argue that this has nothing to do with religion, but it does. Religion may not be the blame, but of course it played a role. I place the title father in quotations because I believe it’s a title he doesn’t deserve. Fathers don’t kill their child. A child should not have to live in fear of their Father. A father loves and protects their child. He supports them and guides them in the right direction. What ever this girl was doing, she did not deserve to have her life taken away. There are many ways to deal with teenagers, placing your hands around their neck isn’t the right way. Looking on facebook, I’ve noticed that she was quite the normal girl. She dressed like most of the other high school girls and she looked relatively happy. Now really, what did her parents expect? If you come to Canada, expect to learn to adapt to the western ways, do not come here and expect society to change on behalf of your beliefs and culture. That’s not how it works. If you do not want your child to be affected by the western society…then stay where you are.

So now that I’ve brought up Facebook, it’s only right for me to bring up my mind spill on the issues there. Within 1-2 days after her death, groups were made, and the walls were filled with comments on Islam and religion. Aren’t those groups meant to be about her? Of course I love a good argument, but at least give the group another title. I’ve noticed that people who follow Islam are too closed minded. You can talk shit about Christianity, Hinduism, but arrest me now if I talk about Islam. The wall post were all about arguing for or against Islam and no one was willing to talk about how to prevent situations like this. One girl attempted too…but she was labelled as being cold hearted. Another surprise to me, her friends stated that they knew Asqa was scared of her father, yet none of them did anything to help her? Further more they sit down on facebook and make groups to talk bullshit and beg for attention? If you’re so heartbroken and sorry… then go spend time with her family, help plan the funeral. Don’t sit down on your computer and swear at people who you’ve never met before in your life!!!

By the way, Britney Spear’s 16 year old sister is pregnant.

Blah. Ok what’s next? SMALLVILLE!!!! Holly friggers! No new episodes until January 30th! I’m screwed!!! There are so many questions! Bizzaro is back, Milton Fine is making a return…and so is Green Arrow…along with Black Canary!! And Pete is coming back as well! Omgravy! This is too much to take in! Although, Tom Welling looks like he needs a break. I’ve noticed that the bottom of his eyes have gotten a tad bit puffier than they normally are (of course I’d notice something like that). I’ll try not to dwell too much on the break, I’ll think of it more as a resting period for Tom. The break is basically because of the writers strike. But honestly I’m not mad. The writers of Smallville are brilliant. They’ve created an adaptation to the legend of Superman. DC comics is now adding Chloe Sullivan to their character listing which is awesome. I really hope the network give the writers what they want.

The holidays. Yikes! I hate this time of year. HATE HATE HATE!!! It really blows. There’s so much fuss, and for what? This season is all about wasting money and traveling in the snow to see people who you’d rather not see. Sure I love getting gifts, always did and probable always will. But once you open them, they’re just there. I never know what to do with them. So I get confused…and I just ignore everything all together. I really don’t want to see my family this year. I love them to death, but I can’t stand to listen to them complain about Cindy’s choice to have a winter wedding, or Sheldon’s anti-socialness or what ever other crap they can think of. I’m tired. Really, really tired. Speaking of her wedding, I don’t think I can make it. With the weather and school, I just don’t know. I don’t have the heart to tell her though. She really wants me to be there, and I want to be there. I think I’ve been waiting for her wedding day longer than she has. Isn’t that pathetic? Also, this is month where VC’s mom died. I know she’s sad and depressed, but I don’t know how to talk to her. What the hell am I suppose to say? I can’t tell her that I know what she’s going through, because I don’t. I want to be of comfort to her, but I just don’t know how. I never know the right way to respond to her.

After Christmas passes, I’ll soon after have to return to York. That school gets more depressing every week. I’m behind in all of my courses, and I can’t be bothered to try and bring myself up to where I need to be. The atmosphere there is just bull shit. I hate the people there, I hate the protesting, I hate the courses, and I wish I would have gone to UTSC. I’m a moron. I have that stupid group project to work on, with that stupid group who I hate. Well jeez, I just hate everything don’t I?

*Him*, where to start? I try to ignore him, but I can’t, he’s too flipping bloody addictive. He’s like that last martini that you know you shouldn’t drink, but you drink it anyways. I know he’s no good for me, and I know I can do better. Yet I don’t care. It’s like I want to intoxicate myself with him despite the bad outcome.

Oh and I finally saw a Saw movie! I saw the last one, and I LOVED IT!!! It was so brilliant! The writer is a genius!!!! The plot was pure amazement and well thought out. I was captivated by it. I also sat down to watch 23 with Jim Carey (with Jim Carey in it? fuck my grammar went down the drain). It was a movie that I wanted to see when it came out, but I never made the time too watch it. It was also very good, although I have to say that the whole idea of everything adding up to 23 was very stupid. For Lia’s birthday we went to go see I am Legend. I really liked it! Even if they did kill a dog :(

I'm starving.

Yay =)

woohoo! a non-emo blog!

Phobia

Phobia: 1) A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.
2) A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.



I've let my fear of being hurt by people get the best of me. I don't know exactly why I do this. But I don't know how to make it go away. I have this fear that everyone who I care about, and everyone who I trust will end up turning their back on me and that will just result to me being hurt. I've put my trust into so many people, and the end result was always me being hurt. I've learned to accept that I was just too naive with my feelings and emotions. I put myself out there too much. I trusted people way too much, I had too much faith in them. In the end, that was what brought me to where I am now. It's not that I don't want to confide in people, it's just that now I tend to think twice before. When someone has the ability to make me slip up and spill my guts to them, I feel good for a bit, but then I start to have regrets. Sometimes you need to let things out. But who do you let it out too? Someone can tell you over and over again that they care about you and that you can always talk to them. But how true is that? How far does that go?

My first speculation was that I could tell my family everything, especially my dad and Sheldon. But lately, Shell's been avoiding everyone, and I can't let the pain that I'm feeling hurt my dad. I can't do that to him. He's dealing with enough right now, he shouldn't have to add a depressed daughter to his list.

I shouldn't say that I'm depressed. Because I don't know if I am. I don't think I am, or I don't hope that I am. I think I'm just a bit over emotional right now. "A bit" might be an understatement!! My mood swings are out of this world! I don't even know if I can blame PMS anymore. I think maybe I do have problems. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to being happy and able to trust people. Lately all I've been doing was pushing people away. My dad, my friends, my family... even the people who I feel that I can tell everything too. "Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert. My mind is dying. I'm drifting off and I'm not suppose to. I thought that once school started, I'd be too focused on it to worry about other stupid things. But I still am I. I'm stressing my self over "him". I guess in a way it's true what they say, "you always want what you can't have". Part of me finds it hard to believe that he can't tell that I have feelings for him. Or can he? It's thoughts like these that keep running through my mind and sickening me with unanswerable questions. I could sit here and wonder for hours about him. I know I have better things to do. I'm behind in some of my readings....and I didn't start the rest of them. I have 2 essays due in a week as well as a test. I don't even know what I have due and when. Yet I'm sitting here thinking about a guy? Ha. I'm the typical pathetic female that I criticise.

My thoughts and priorities are all over the place. Scattered and disorganized. That's what my life has become; a big mess. I don't know where to start in trying to unscrew my screw ups. Lately I feel like I owe everyone an apology. I've brought this all on myself. I have no one to blame. I wish I could though. It'd be so easy to yell at someone, and blame them for everything that goes wrong in my life. The other day I was talking about how easy it is to be angry, I still feel this way. When I'm angry, I don't have time for self pity and self hate. I just take that and throw it towards someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone else, I wouldn't wish these feeling on anyone else.

I'm low on self-esteem and confidence. Why? Good question. I use to be so sure of myself and everything I stood for. But now it's all a blur to me. I hope the people in my life can figure out what I'm going through and realize that it's me, not them. Most of all I hope they can all forgive for this.



Gotta get done:

Soci 2040: Sociological Theory:

• October 30th, Mid-term
• November 26th, Fall essay?
• The four weeks of reading that I didn't do

Soci 2030: Sociological Research Methods:

• Literature review, October 24; 30% (ahhhh fuckkkkkkkkk)
• ALL the readings that I didn't do

Soci 2060: Social Interaction and Community

• In Class test, November 5 (gotta do well on this one since the last one flopped)
• This weeks reading. (thankfully)

Soci 3420: Population and Society

• OT3. Cohort Power, October 23
• Readings. Mostly all of them

Nats Sci 1860: Science: Past, Present, Future

• Test #1, October 22
• Double Helix review, November 28
• I actually gotta study for this :(

Melancholy

I'm once again questioning the stability of my mentality. Brutal. I finally opened Allison Mack's blog after weeks to do some catching up. I realized how alike we are. Not as her character of Chloe, but of her in person. Which is pretty cool. Sadly, the thing that we share in common is our bad habit of "over dramatizing and over-complicating things" which leads to what? Stress and agony. Then she left this quote from Tom Welling, which I think is beautiful. “In the end...it is everything and it is nothing. It is all just for the experience.” Awesomeness!! But what is this experience. In her life, I guess its her job. Smallville... being an actor, soon going to direct an episode. Plus she's been traveling over the summer to China and Mexico. Which leaves me to wonder, what exactly is my experience? School? The people who I encounter? The things I feel or the things I avoid trying to feel? Today in my social theory class we talked about the "self". Some of the questions that arose were "What is the self? Who am I seeing? Who owns me? Do I own myself?" To me this seems like just looking in the mirror and doing alot of screaming at yourself. But then I thought about it some more, and it hit me, I can't answer those questions myself. I don't know if I live for me, or if I live for everyone else. I'm guessing it has to be a bit of both. Although, I would prefer that I lived for me and only me. Sometimes I feel so stupid about the things that I say or do. I try to laugh it off, but in the end the laughter just turns into unhappy hours of laying in bed crying. Is my life miserable? Most likely not, but that's where my dramatization habit kicks in. So now what? How do I go about analyzing my life? Or for that matter, my self? Maybe I just shouldn't do that? Because that would be over thinking? And that's my other weakness.

The journey of Smallville came to a large halt last week. I missed an episode! The horror! The A-channel decided to do a day switch on me with a sever lack of advertising. Lesson: never build your life or timetable around a t.v show. I missed a serious lack of Super girls cleavage and a cute confused Tom Welling. Have I mentioned how much I hate Lana?! Her character so sucks. And when is Chloe ever going to get a break. First they rip her apart from Clark, kill her more than once, and now the ruin the passion of her job?! Freakish. I can't wait to see how the Lex/Clark plot is going to turn out. Now that Kara is here...Lex is going to have rampage. Anddd great. The next few weeks for me are going to be BRUTAL!!! mid-terms and essays...and NO CLUE TO WHAT'S GOING ON!!! Ahhhh! I hate that I put myself into these situations. Haha, here I go again with the self hate.

Brilliant.

Alright, well I just took a 5 minute walk in the rain, and during that walk, I concluded that the world needs people like myself and Allison. The society needs dramatization and over thinkers. We're analytic. We try and figure things out, and most of the time we do succeed. We're important because our stress, and our agony, makes other people open their eyes. And in the end, it helps us to identify our "self". I still don't know how to exactly describe my "self", and I wouldn't say that I'm independent, but I'm close to getting some sort of answer. The way I look at it is that there is no pure definition of one's self. It's not possible. The self is an on going process. But now should I sit here and judge my lastest actions? Should I analize what's been stressing me out and why I've been letting it stress me out? I can't even get my thoughts together. This is why I need to blog my life away.

Well there's

1) School. I'm not staying on track, I'm lost, and I'm not doing anything to fix it. I know I'm suppose to do my readings, go to class, go over my notes. But I'm not. I know I should be studying my ass off, but I'm not. I know I don't want to let my parents down, but I am. Yet I'm stilling being lazy and not doing anything with my life other than feeling sorry for myself.

2) Smallville; I'm letting a t.v show take over my life.... need I say more? I planned my school year around it. I'm willing to make myself the most devoted fan, thus leading me to forget and ignore my priorities as a student. I use Smallville as my happiness. Pathetic much? Very.

3) Him. I know it's not possible, yet I still let my mind ponder and dream. --> lack of stability. I don't know what I want from him. I don't know what he wants from me. One minute he cares, then next he's holding back and we're not talking. How could that be? How did we go from being so close to just drifting apart. Was it because of me? Have my actions pushed him away? I thought I could trust him fully, but as I look at my past actions, there so many things that I haven't told him yet, and there are so many things that I'm keeping from him. The more that I think about it, there are parts of my life that I never want to share with him, or anyone else. Ever. Will he be able to accept that? Will he even be able to accept me as I am? I can't even define myself let alone face him with the truth.

4) Family. It's easier to love them from afar. I know they care about me deeply. I know that they would do anything for me. So how are they able to hurt me so badly without knowing it? You'd think the look in someones eye can give away their feelings. I guess my eyes are just emotionless? They let stupid things get between them. In my defence...that's where I learned it from. I've gotten their stubbornness, I've gotten their attitude, I've gotten their ways of not being able to forgive. But I'm also hoping I got their good traits. I'd list them, but I'm still uncertain as to what they are.

5) Shell. What the flippppinnnnnnn helll is going on with him. He's built this cocky exterior around himself...AND IT SUCKS!!!! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS BLOWSSSS. "I'm your brother, I'm always here for you.. you can always talk to me" Bitch bitch blah blah. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU IF YOU'RE NOT THERE!!!! Duh.

6) Letting my guard down and placing my trust into someones hands. Gotta stop doing this. I thought I could trust him. I really did. Now I question that. I shouldn't tell people things. I shouldn't care that people care. Because people .... people are selfish...and... Well I clearly have no argument do I? :) Hah. The point is, I trusted him way too much.

I'm loosing track on this.

7) My dad. The ONE person who I can trust. The one person who I know will always be there for me; but that's why I can't tell him any of this. I don't care about a lot of people. I'm very selective. But my dad, I'd die for him. That's why I can't tell him how much I hate myself. I can't tell him that I'm so lost in this world that I can't even think straight. It'd break his heart. I can't hurt him. This is how I know that I'm the spitting image of him. Because he's doing the same thing. I know he's not happy about something, but he's keeping it from me to protect what's left of my emotional stability. It's like we both know that somethings going on, but we don't want to hurt each other. Maybe its best this way.

8) Trust. After writing all of this, I don't even think I know what it is anymore. Everyone expects me to "trust" them and have my life as an open book just lying there for the world to read. I don't want that. I like keeping things to myself.

9) Hate. This comes to easy for me. Being compassionate and trusting is hard, being angry and hating everyone who hurts me... it's so easy. The truth is, I'd rather be angry than sad, because it hurts less.

10) Questions! I hate them! I hate being questioned about how I feel and why I feel that way and who I feel that way about. Just leave me alone! The next time someone questions me, I'm just going to ignore them.

I've noticed that this list went from being what stresses me out to what pisses me off. But honestly, this rant was so totally therapeutic.

“Man could not live if he were entirely impervious to sadness. Many sorrows can be endured only by being embraced, and the pleasure taken in them naturally has a somewhat melancholy character. So, melancholy is morbid only when it occupies too much place in life; but it is equally morbid for it to be wholly excluded from life.”
-Emile Durkheim

Fixing all of this? I don't even know if that's possible. I think I've damnaged for good! I'd have to let go of all my fears, all of my anger. 1) I'm not ready to do that 2) I don't think that I could even if I did want to. So from this point on what do I do?




http://www.allisonmack.com/

WHY is it that I always tend to feel sick on the longest days. WHY can't I force myself to pay attention to what the T.A is saying. WHY do I feel depressed every other day? I'am going crazy. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY???

Some girls fall inlove to easily.... and I'm one of them. WHY HIM????



FUCKERY.

It's been like a month since I've talked to him. There's something going on with this family that they're not telling me about and honestly, it's driving me crazy. It seems like everything is sending me over the wall. I hate the people who I see here at york. I think I've seen her. I don't want to see her. But I think I have. I guess I can sit here and hope that it wasn't her? She's just a reminder of what I don't and can't have. I hate my classes, I hate my profs, I hate my T.A's and I hate this school. I can't bring myself to like or enjoy. I know way too many people here. I just wanna get out and move far away to a place where I don't know anyone. I should have just applied to some school in Vancouver. You know your life is pathetic when you count down the days for a T.V show to start a new season. I thought I could handle all these breaks and long hours are york. But the truth is, it's whats killing me. I have way too much time to think about things. I just sit here and think about him. I tried to not think about him and focus my attention on other things. But what else is there to think about? My education? heh. That's just a bloody joke. I don't know what I'm suppose to be learning or what the point of learning it is. All I know is that I hate this atmosphere. Its too big, too rushed, too crowded. I hate having to watch to make sure I don't walk into anyone every time I turn a corner. I hate walking from building to building just to get to a class that I know will bore the crap outta me.
Another Tamil kid got killed at Churchill yesterday. Typical. Do I feel sorry for him? No. I can't. I don't know the guy, but I can tell that he was a moron and got caught up in the wrong crowd. Good. This is why I don't blame the government for not properly funding public schools. What's the point? There will always be those outside gangs and the inside wannabes. There's no escaping from the loser thug nuggets. So why even bother preaching to them.
What else is there? I should start reading the crap that I need to for my classes. But whats the point? This place is driving me insane. I just want to go home, crawl in my bed and never get out.

Was I an idiot for thinkng that I could last threw a 3 hour break? Yes. I'm bored outta my fucking mind.

Fudge.

I can take you away from here.


All you wanted was somebody who cares.

Catastrophe

"Im selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best" -Marilyn Monroe

I wish I could blog my anxiety away, but my attempts are vain.

They told me that the chances of running into the people who I don't get along with are slim. Yet, I ran into each and everyone of them. Nothing has changed about York, if anything, it's gotten worse. It's grown to become this larger sized high school hell phenomenon. Every time the lecture room gets loud, I get numb. I can't walk down the hallways without turning around wondering who's surrounded me. The more I try to avoid them. The more I see of them. I'm sickened.

Such a large bureaucracy and they can't even manage to run their own book store? Hell. Their system makes us seem like drunken lab rats running around in a maze.

People who I never thought could, are starting to annoy me. Odd. Vice versa, people who I thought I'd never get along with or who ticked me off for a period of time...are becoming a lot closer to me. Catastrophe.

Realization #1: This weekend led me to realize how pathetic my family really is. OK well it's not like I didn't already know. I think I was just ignoring it and avoiding it. I really do admire them. I'd be sentence to a life time of living hell and I'd die a brutal death from karma if I turn my back on them. No matter how bad their flaws are, and how many mistakes they've made. They raised me. They were always there for me through all the crap I had to endure. Sometimes I just wish that they were willing to forgive and forget. The whole family feud thing is becoming more and more aggravating. What he did was wrong, I won't deny that. But they owe him a lot. Its because of him that they got to be here. I don't see why they just can't put all this bullshit aside. They all came from the same mother. Doesn't that justify as anything? And the house. That stupid house. Can't they just split the profit?

I miss my cousin. We grew up like brother and sister. He was the one person who was always there that I could turn to and talk to. Then this whole ordeal happened with the family. And it just tore us apart. Because of their pointless fighting, we got to see less and less of each other. Now 13 years later, he's suffering. I know they say he's fine. I know he says he's fine. But I'm not stupid. I know enough, and I know him well enough to know that he's hurting. My attempt to fix this has also been in vain. The more I think about it, there's no way to enlighten them. They're all so stubborn.

Realization #2: This is where I get it from. The stubbornness, the ability to push people out of my life, being anti-social and being angry. I'm not blaming them. It's my own fault for picking up their bad habits. Now I know what my mom's family means when they say that I'm just like my dad and his family. I always took pride in that statement. And I still do. I know they threw it as me as a bad thing, but fuck them. If they were any better then maybe I'd care.

So what do I do now? Sit here and wait for everything to unfold itself? I've been waiting for quite some time now. Nothing has improved. I don't know what will happen for Cindy's wedding. I know they're just using the weather as an excuse, but really, they just don't wanna go because he'll be there. So what? It's not like they have to talk to each other.

Am I making my family out to be total monsters? That's so not my intention. They're not bad people. They're not selfish people. They just act that way to each other.

Joy.

what the shit??????

Of all the fuck load of things not to do. The teen choice awards didn't have Tom Welling or Ashton Kutcher there! What the hell is that? Tom Welling and Ashton are like....teen choice award Gods....even though Tom hasn't won any awards from them yet. Total rip off!!! Leave up to these stupid teen girls to not know what good television is. Pfft.

Omgravy Omgravy Omgravy
Omgravy Omgravy Omgravy
Omgravy Omgravy Omgravy
Omgravy Omgravy Omgravy














Psych.

Why is he so gorgeous?

"Every world needs its heros. They inspire us to be better than we are. And they protect us from the darkness that's just around the corner."
--Annette O'Toole as Martha Kent

This is like, the BEST quote ever.

I caught it!

The David Beckham fever..

:)

Today, was a good day. I haven't had one of those in a while.

Hooraayyy!

The tattoo debate continues.

I know I want the Aquarius symbol. But I can't decide if I should keep it simple, or go far out with it. Blah. I was thinking of maybe a fairy pouring water with the Aquarius symbol in it. But hell, I don't even like faires. So no fairy. Just water pouring with the symbol inside? I also want my pentagram on my other ankle.

So what's stoping me? I'm terrified of the pain and I don't know who to trust to get it done. Maybe I should just stick to drawing on myself with crayola markers. I also want "Vindicated" somewhere on my body. Lol, I'm all talk. I want the bloody things yet I don't have the balls to get them done. So I guess my summer mission is to hunt down good tattoo parlours. I don't even know where to start. Bulllllshyyaaattttt.

Lol at me being a "water bearier" yet I can't swim to save my life. Also, Aquarius's element is air. You'd think it'd be water...since our whole identity is water based. But what ever. Arggg Im so tired. From doing what? Nothing. Today I volunteered to watch Nick and Aleena....at the same time. Why? Because I love my family. Hell I am NEVER having more than 2 kids. The house is a mess. And guess who gets to clean it? They're both sweet easy going kids...but give them some sugar and they become advocates of the devil himself. My goodness.

I've always wondered why I liked dark colours like grey and black, and last night after surfing the web I found out that Aquarius's colours are grey as well as shades of blue and our gem is black perl. Cool :)

Work went by slooowwww this week. Like it does every other week. But atleast I'm getting paid on Thursday. I'm soooo close to getting my mac book. Yay! I'm nervous about what will happen after this summer though. I to think about school and possibly finding another job. Wonderful. I think I'm a mess. The last few days seem to have gone by really slow. But to be honest, I was actually looking foreward to work this sunday. I had family over. It's not that I didn't wanna be around them.................... I just didn't wanna be around them. It seemed as though I was constantly being critisized or questioned about things that I really didn't wanna talk about. And then they got on my cousin ass because they caught him smoking. So I was pretty much petrified about them finding out about myself. Therefore, I missed my sunday night smoke. Great. I like smoking by myself in the dark on a Sunday night. Yes. Im crazy. But I couldn't do so since they were "waiting up for me". Not to make sure that I made it home alive, but to ask me more questions. My aunt said that from all the years she knew me, this is most that I've ever talked to her. Well hell. I've never had anything to say to her. I don't know either. But with this job, everyone is so "proud of me". Does this mean they were dissappointed in me to begin with?

Odd.

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summers Day?

Shall I compare thee to a summersday?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a day: Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor loose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breath or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-William Shakespeare

You and I could belong to each other.

Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is that you do to me? I don't know who you are. Just a friend from another star. Here I am like a kid out of school, holding hands with a god, I'm a fool. Will you look at me? Quivering like a little girl, shivering. You can see right through me. Can you read my mind? Can you picture the things that I am thinking of? Wondering why you are all the wonderful things you are. You can fly! You belong in the sky! You and I could belong to each other. If you need a friend, I'm the one to fly to. If you need to be loved, here I am. Read my mind.

-Lois Lane (Superman, 1978)

I so need a social life. I miss my green, bastard web cam. So what if I don't use it? I still miss it. And yet again, I'm going to have to sit here and bitch about how much I hate my privacy being invaded. I hate the stupid job, ever since I started it my mom's been sticking her nose into my life and dragging her drag queen sister in it too. I want to drown myself senseless in Smallville and Tom Welling. I think I'm going to put on my dvd set and watch it until my eyes pop out of my head. Hopefully that will happen so I won't have to go into work. Heh. Maybe I am being selfish and ungrateful, but I really don't care. My sympathy for everyone is dead.

From this job I've learned that

1) Reality is a Whore.

and

2) My family and friends have no faith in me, they question my ability to make something of myself, and see me as having no potential to make it further than sitting behind a phone and a computer to assist old people with paying their bills.

So why is it that I care about what these assholes think? I don't know. I don't know alot of things. I don't know why I even bother to spill my guts to people, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I let people try and con their way into taking control of my life. Just because I don't know what I want that doesn't mean that I want someone else to decide my future for me.

I had it all planned out. I knew what I wanted, I knew how to get it. But then I let her talk me out of it. What was the result of that? I'm stuck in a school that I hate, a job that I hate, I'm being surrounded by people I hate. I have close to no tolerance left for anything anymore.

People just seem to want to keep pushing me and pushing me until I'm close to my breaking point. The only good thing about school and work, is that I get to get away from my family. It seems like the more my mom tries to know what goes on in my life, she's just really pushing me away. If she wants to know something, she could just ask. I'd tell her. Snooping around in my personal things and conning me into telling her stuff... is SO not doing her any good. And because of this, I'm only going to resent her more.

Now I understand why those trashy girls run away from home and sleep with random truckers.

So I've decided to get the tattoo done. Now I just need to find a good place. I'm getting the Aquarius symbol on my right ankle. My stupidity that leads me to believe in stars have gotten the best of me. But it's not like my sign will change. Sadly.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go back in time to the days where I was young and happy and my only concern was what time the Power Rangers would be on. But then if I could go back in time, I'd live through all this hell again. So not worth it. I need out. Not another stupid, worthless family vacation. I need to get away by myself. No family, no friends. No nothing. Just me.

:(

This is going to be a long, miserable summer. I hate my job. =)

Albert Einstein:
Any power must be an enemy of mankind which enslaves the individual by terror and force, whether it arises under the Fascist or the Communist flag. All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded to the individual.
September 15, 1933

Winston Churchill:
'The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes"

I miss being poked. =(

Lol, so holly shit my mom found out. Awsome. I guess I don't mind since it beats me having to tell her? Why didn't I just get a job at Mc Donalds?

I need a gym partner. Or atleast someone to go jogging with in the afternoon. I hate going by myself =( and I always end up talking to myself. But then again I've noticed that I talk to myself even when people are around.

Thursday, I'm FINALLY getting my beach day. Yay! Well technically, it's not a beach day, it's more of a 'beach' day, since it's not a beach, just the polluted water front of Toronto. But thats good enough. As long as there's sand for me to build sandcastles, I'm happy. This is how you know that I'm pathetically retarded. But anywaysss, I need some alone time with my friends, especially since all this shit has been happening to me.

Today with Anita was actually fun considering we got drenched and almost died in the rain. It was like the good old days again, but instead of coming back from wendy's and buying candy, we were coming back from flavours and buying cigarettes. LOL what a change. But none the less it was still fun. Then we went back to her place to make fun of people on facebook (from her account that is). It was a good way to lessen the tension of facing my mom, which also didn't go so bad.

She was a bit dissappointed, after all she did put neck on the line to get me that job. I ammm grateful for the job. But maybe its not for me? I don't know anymore. It's a drag working there after all this shit has happened. But I'm starting to like that cute Guyanese guy. Rawr =)

Omgravy, it's wednesday already. The week goes by so fast. And now that my weekends are gone, I feel as though I'm missing out on something.

AND my other crush! I still can't believe he has a gf =( ugh! Things never work out with me and Coolie guys! I guess I just have to go for the next one at work. Hopefully he's not dating anyone.

DEGRASSI AND INSTANT STAR: are RUINED. Wtf the are the writers thinking? They messed up two of my favourite shows. And I miss Smallville, I can't wait until season 7. Supergirl is going to make her appearance. yay. And what the friggen shit is happening with Kyle XY? I thought it was suppose to start last monday. I haven't seen it yet. Stupid Canadian channels are always so far behind.

I can't think of anything else to rant about =(

You know what would be freakishly odd? If someone actually reads all of this.....

BITE ME.

So now that I know my privacy is GONE. I have something to rant about. Where the hell do I even begin? What the friggen shit....if you're going to keep tabs on my facebook, then atleast tell me. If you're so concerned about your customers...THEN TELL US NOT TO LEAVE THOSE COMMENT ON OUR PERSONAL PROFILE. That's right. My personal profile. My private thoughts and opinion that I choose to share with my friends. The people who I rant and vent too when I've had a bad day. They told me I could call my friends and vent to them, or email them, or meet up with them, but I can't use facebook? lol what the hell? facebook is just the same as the rest of those. Then they have the nerve to bring my mom into it? Motherfucking hell. I won't be surprised if they're reading this too. Now working there feels akward. They have this stupid thing to hold over my head. In my opinion. I did nothing wrong.


This is like an episode of family guy without the fatass.

?

I want to write how I feel.
But I don't know how to put it in words....

I hate sitting here wondering where he is, especially when he's not even my boyfriend.


Work drained me. I'm tired, stressed, confused and a whole lot of other things which I don't even know how to begin to describe.


shoot me.

Kryptic!

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and
weary. Edgar Allan Poe

Omgravy! I miss my baby! Jessie that is. The other day we went by my uncles house, he wasn't home, but deep down inside I expected to see her running to the door to stick her wet nose on my hand just to make sure it's really me. I thought that I've accepted that she's gone, but it still seems so sureal! Before when I heard someone say "Oh I opened the door and expected to see them there" I never really took them seriously, I just thought that they were weird or suffering from something. I guess now I'm weird and suffering for something. I wanted this whole thing to be a lie, because I truly did want to see her once the door opened. But no one was home... so maybe she really is still alive? I just love her so much! She's my one common memory of everytime I've visited that house. It won't be the same without her. But I guess atleast now I can say she's in a better place? I miss her!

My training for the job ends this week. In all complete honesty, I'm quite terrified of actually starting the job! There's so much to apply to this, and there are so many different things to know. I don't want to mess up! I'm not use to messing up! I realllllyyyyy wanna do well. I know I'll get use to it, but its the process of that which I don't like. People always expect me to be the best at things, or always do well, and that is so intimidating! I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. I know they know that, but they put so much pride into me, that I'm scared to death of screwing up because I feel as though I'll let them down. I have my mom, my aunt and moms MANAGER who have these high expectations of me! It's NOT helping.

Everything in my life just seems so complicated right now! I don't know what direction I'm headed for. I feel lost. Maybe I'm just television deprived? I don't knowwwwwwwwww.

Poe

Spirits of the Dead by Edgar Allan Poe

Thy soul shall find itself alone
'Mid dark thoughts of the gray tombstone
Not one, of all the crowd, to pry
Into thine hour of secrecy.
Be silent in that solitude
Which is not loneliness--for then
The spirits of the dead who stood
In life before thee are again
In death around thee--and their will
Shall overshadow thee: be still.
The night--tho' clear--shall frown--
And the stars shall not look down
From their high thrones in the Heaven,
With light like Hope to mortals given--
But their red orbs, without beam,
To thy weariness shall seem
As a burning and a fever
Which would cling to thee forever.
Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish--
Now are visions ne'er to vanish--
From thy spirit shall they pass
No more--like dew-drops from the grass.
The breeze--the breath of God--is still--
And the mist upon the hill
Shadowy--shadowy--yet unbroken,
Is a symbol and a token--
How it hangs upon the trees,
A mystery of mysteries!

1837.

I simply just love this poem. I don't know what it is about Edgar Allan Poe, but his works just make me melt inside and it's like each breathe I take when reading this sends me to the place that he is writing about. He gives such imagery details in his work. It's gorgeous.

My tolerance, is at an all time low.

I'am soooo fed up with everyone and everything right now. With this stupid job, it seems as though I have no time to myself. Yes it's only training. But it's friggen 5 day's a week at 8 hours. Ok ok, I know when I enter the real world that'll be my shift. But this is just TRAINING! It's like being stuck in one lecture for EIGHT hours. It's basically 8 hours of school a day AGAIN. It's high school hell repeating itself. The people there are cool but still! learning about banking is NOT fun!

Blah.

Buttt GOOD NEWS!!!! My lover and idol MARY KATE OLSEN (Shut the fuck up you homo) is getting back onto the t.v screen!!! YAYYYYYY!!!! She will be playing a church girl named Tara on a show called Weed's. Interesting title, I must say. WOW. I'm just thrilled that I get to see more of her. Lately it's only been the crap I've been reading on Perez Hilton (whom I love!). Celebrity gossip is always a way to make me smile =) I sooooo miss the olsens twins last series... "So little time" I think there were only like 17 episodes lol, but they were all awsome!

Shut up.

Holly fucking shit. I'm so tired of listening to people whine about their shitty relationships. If it's so stressful, then leave. If he's beating you up, leave. If he's causing pointless drama in your life... LEAVE. Do not fucking call me during my break @ work, or during the morning when I'm SLEEPING to bitch and complain about how fucking stressed and upset you are. I'm sorry, But I don't give two bloody shits. I've told them many times what I think. I've told them that they should just leave. Yes I know its not an easy thing to do. But crying to me about it isn't going to solve your problem. I'm tired of hearing the same story over and over again. Maybe I'm cold hearted, but I simply just do not care. If I don't ask, then don't tell me. I've known her since gr 7, and I love her to death...BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

Annnnyyyy whooo. Work is going ok so far. It's been pretty boring the last few days, but at the same time it was better than being at home doing nothing. And Im getting paid to be bored, so I guess that's a good thing right? There's this one really cool trainer called Alisha, I like her. =) She's also a Smallville fan. yay! lol. Today we did job shadowing, so I got to listen into a few calls. They weren't too bad. A lot of people loose their wallets. Sucks to be them. Lesson... CHAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR WALLET. heh.

SMALLLLLVILLLLEEEEE.
Ok so the season finale wasn't ALL that. It could have been longer and have a lot more action scenes. Like what the hell, did Clark forget that he has powers? I really can't wait to see what will happen with Bizzaro. And then there's the whole Chloe thing. THAT WAS HER POWER? Omgravy, like what the shit? I wonder if she's really dead. I know she's suppose to die. But comeon, I was expecting a more dramatic death! and I wanted Clark to be there. The episode wasn't bad per say, but my expectations were higher.
But hey... two Tom Wellings... RAWR!!!

Oh ummm....
I think I'm in love. Lol this time with someone other than Tom Welling (but he's still my number one) =)

The Land Where Dreams Come True

Too bad I'm no longer a dreamer.

Overall I hated the trip to Florida. It didn't help me to unwind, I think it just made me more stressed out.

Bored as hell

Im Florida. I can't breathe. It's so hot. Im BORED. My parents and sister are annoying.

Note to self: Take next vacation by myself.

I want to visit Rome. Some where interesting, and not so sunny and happy. You know your vacation sucks when you have time to blog. haha. Im sweating. =(

Ok, so atleast I got to watch Smallville that wasn't too bad...EVEN THOUGH I MISSED THE FIRST 10 MINUTES OF IT. WHAT THE HELL??? The fat ass who works at KFC was a retard and kept screwing up our order. I wish I could sue her for the lost 10 minutes. But I will watch it when I get home.

We're going down to Miami tonight and we'll be spending the weekend there. I hope the sight is alot better than here in Orlando. Holly frig, everything here is mickey mouse. I couldn't walk into a damn drug store with out seeing those stupid mickey mouse snow globes. All I want out of this vacations are a few nice pictures. Rome would have been so much nicer. I plan to have my vancouver trip in the summer of '09. It'll be a nice way to end off Smallville and by then I would have saved up enough money for it. There is NO way in hell that I'm going to take my parents anyways.

Have I ever mentioned that I don't like people reading over my shoulder when Im blogging? Well that's being done now. So I shall log off of here until furthure notice.

Thankfully I got net connection here @ my cousins house. I can't get my weekly dose of PEREZ HILTON! woohoo!


later days!

Good-bye Toronto

Only for a week, but still good enough. Lord I'm actually thankful that I'm getting away. The past few months have been HELL. I don't know why, but I can't wait to sit down on that plane and let my misery float away in the clouds as I enter the sunny valley's of Orlando Florida. I'm getting away from this pollution. Not the smoke clouds from of coorporate castles but the pollution of my self pity and hatred of the world. I hope to let go of alot of things this week. And I hope to come back a better and happier person. Although, missing Smallville might do the exact opposite. It's so odd how I've allowed something like a T.V show to determine my happiness. But if something makes you happy, does it really matter how stupid it is? I'm still sick. I feel deadly sick. Hopefully no one on the plane will think that I have sars. Ahh a whole week out of Scarberia. Lol, the glory. I'm more looking foward to not being around anyone but my parents and my sister, I hate having to avoid people because it's always so hard. But this way it's going to be easy. My mind is tense. I'm hoping to come back with it clear and free. I want to be able to sit down and write my heart away like I did before. I don't know why, but I feel as though this trip is going to connect me back to my childhood when I last went to Florida.

So this is why University student commit suicide!

I bored. Literally. My courses seem so 'blah'. I don't know what happened to all the motivation I once had back in high school. It seems to have all gone out the window. Back in the days I use to put effort in my work, I use to go the extra mile and I was never satisfied with anything under an 80. Now it seems as though I only care about getting by. 'It doesn't matter, just as long as I pass' this seems to be my new phrase. I don't know what has become of myself. I don't know what I want to major in. Sure, Sociology is easy, but I think that's the problem. It's not motivating me to open my text book and actually read what’s in it. I was looking into psychology, but who am I kidding? I'll need to take a math course...and we all know how wonderful I am with numbers. I think part of me is also scared of a challenge. I'm scared that I'll try my hardest and put my effort in but I won't succeed. Yesterday when I found out that I need a 4.25 to stay in honors, I almost had a heart attack. I can't possible be getting anything close to that. I think my gpa is 4.0 or lower. Not only might I get kicked out of University, but I'll be the biggest disappointment to myself. Last night I just cried, but I really wanted to scream. It sucks when you have to hold in anger and frustration and put on your happy face just too keep your family happy and in the dark.

Holly shit they're killing my dog!

Ok, so she's not my dog. But still! I can't believe this is happening. The one person who I get along with in the family, the one who actually listens to me, the one who I can actually stand... and they're killing her? Ok, I just called a dog a person. Did anyone else catch that?

Jesse's old now. She's sick, and blind in one eye. She broke her leg and she won't have a fully recovery. But she's my baby and I love her! I don't want to let her go! But at the same time I don't want her to suffer. This sucks!

"It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees." -Dolores Ibarruri
Well. Have any of you ever listen to Gasolina and wonder "What the fuck is Daddy Yankee saying?" I sure as hell have. Ok I'm still upset about the Oilers loosing. Their still winners in my heart. But the cup belongs to Canada. Tuesday, I managed to dislocate my knee..fall to my face, sprain my wrist, burst my lip open and get cuts all over my body. Wonderful. Oh and prom is next Wednesday. GREAT. My knee is doing pretty damn great...but as for my wrist and lip... umm...OUCH. I'm still in a bit of shock that high school is over. Not that I care. But I kinda do. I'll miss all the day time drama. You know when you watch passions or y&r and a scene comes on where your just like "where the fuck have I seen that before?...Oh yea! Winston Churchill." Hahaha. Shit I'm going to miss Datoo and Mary...Lia..Raj..Jenny..Rashid..and most of all...tamil-rama. Man. The good days of making fun of them. The more I think about it. I wonder what I'll miss about Datoo, but I've come to the conclusion that it's his ability to make me smile. Well. KAJRA RE!!! I have no clue what that means.

Dissappointed?

Good.

I don't know how dark/gothic art can be disturbing. It's art you stupid mother fuckers. And If we're disturbed, then your a closed-minded, fake, ignorant fuck face. Some of you churchill girls are so FAKE. "Fuh real yo". Most of you are graduating and you can't even speak english!! When did "Fuh" become a word in the English language? And you complain about Shakespeare? I bet he's turning in his grave. And what is it with some of you and soca music? You big up some tracks and think it's the greatest thing in the world. You don't even take the time to look back on the history of the music of the Islands. For you girls who THINK your all that. Sad news. Your not. Popularity means NOTHING. You apply 10 pounds of make up to your ugly face...and you think you can get any guy you want? Umm, no. Even testosterone looks for personality once in a while. Case: Your dog dies. The loaner kids with only a few friends...Those friends will surround that person with love and always provide a shoulder to cry on. The popular girl with 50 + friends.. only about 2 of those 50+ might give a shit. So what does that say? Popularity doesn't mean you have a lot of friends. It just means your putting on a show for one to many people. Dumb retards.

I'm not anti-social. I just hate people.
It always amazes me how memories can hurt us so deeply. Everytime I think back to all the days spent and wasted on Dru..it tears me up a bit inside, and I often spend days trying to repair myself. But in the end. I'd repeat over and over again if I had to. Everytime I got to see, touch and hear him. He left such beautiful imprints upon my life. I am so grateful to know a young man so wonderful as him.
Does death change our views on our life and the world we live in? I believe so. After Terrence went away, I found myself more into rock, more into Gothic art. More into politics. I've always loved the sweet sounds of Green Day, but I feel that I now understand the deeper meanings to their lyrics.

I am so inlove with his body art. I can't wait to get my own. I want the staff too, the symbol of death and my stars. Billie Joe makes me happy. I don't what it is about him. He gives me this delightful feeling of peace and freedom.

"Justice is conscience, not a personal conscience but the conscience of the whole of humanity. Those who clearly recognize the voice of their own conscience usually recognize also the voice of justice."
-Alexander Solzhenitsyn.
I have not yet made a conclusion on what I believe justice is. But it wasn't Terrence's death. It isn't Amy Fisher or Karla Halmolka (W.e the fuck her name is). I know that I don't believe in the theory "two wrongs don't make a right". It's bullshit. IF you do follow it. Then I think your a moron.

Jagged Little Pill

"We're all a little weird. And, life is a little
weird. And, when we find someone whose weirdness is
compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall
into mutually satisfying weirdness....
and call it love."

"I would rather spend everyday fighting with you,
than to spend the rest of my life without you"

"Uses of Great Men"/A friends suicide

"Thus we feed on genius, and refresh ourselves from too much conversation with our mates, and exult in the depth of nature in that direction in which he leads us. What indemnification is one great man for populations of pigmies! Every mother wishes one son a genius, though all the rest should be mediocre. But a new danger appears in the excess of influence of the great man. His attractions warp us from our place. We have become underlings and intellectual suicides. Ah! yonder in the horizon is our help;- other great men, new qualities, counterweights and checks on each other. We cloy of the honey of each peculiar greatness. Every hero becomes a bore at last. Perhaps Voltaire was not bad-hearted, yet he said of the good Jesus, even, "I pray you, let me never hear that man's name again." They cry up the virtues of George Washington,- "Damn George Washington!" is the poor Jacobin's whole speech and confutation. But it is human nature's indispensable defense. The centripetence augments the centrifugence. We balance one man with his opposite, and the health of the state depends on the see-saw." -Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson - Volume IV - Representative Men "Uses of Great Men", 1850


"There was something heavy and black and sticky about it [a friend’s suicide], a kind of terrible cloud. I felt sick and like fainting underneath it while I cleaned the apartment bare, like the winter clearing the branches of the trees and the earth with its terrible wind, leaving nothing behind. When someone new moved in with uncrushed dreams, then the spring would return to that apartment. But as for my friend’s widow, she would move on with the winter, following it like a gypsy wherever its cold wind blew, and its emptiness beckoned. It was also the beginning of her end. At that time, some people called my friend a coward. They said he had lacked the courage to face up to his problems, and to deal with the trials life had put in his path. I, always reluctant to speak ill of the dead, did not join in this chorus of condemnation. Was it superstition, (the vengeance of ghosts, and need to bind the threatening figure with love) or some important form of respect? In all events, my friend had proven his courage other times. Did his courage break, or is it only that there are different forms of courage for different challenges, and that we may respond courageously to some situations and not to others. (Perhaps it is like in Orwell’s 1984, where there is that room of horrors that holds the one thing we fear most, different for each of us. To one a rat, to one a bullet, to one a cliff with torrents of water rushing beneath, to one a disease: our personal weak spot, the one “special” thing that will break us, even if we are made of iron.) The question bothered me a long time. I felt a loyalty to my friend’s memory, a desire not to “sell him short,” and remember him as a coward; yet also, the suicide seemed such a tragedy, and there was a heavy darkness about it, not a bright, liberating shining. I concluded that I owed my friend a moratorium from judgment. There was both bravery and perhaps a lack of it in his action. The physical act of actually getting a gun, loading it, setting himself up with it, and pulling the trigger, which I went over in my mind again and again in my effort to understand him, did require physical courage - just like the act of jumping off the Empire State Building, which someone else I knew much more peripherally, did. But what of the courage of facing life’s challenges? I concluded that for him, bred to a different idea of courage, it was not easy to find valor in living out a humiliating demeaning life with no apparent light at the end of the tunnel. … I finally concluded that my friend was not a coward; that he simply had not reached the perspective on life that could have enabled him to carry on. This is why I feel that spiritual understanding, and connection with spirit, is so crucial to survive in this world, because raw courage may not be enough. The proudest lion who would keep on fighting if he was filled with arrows, might be killed by a mere shadow. There comes a dark time, a confusing time, when only insight can bring courage, and that is why the spiritual path is so crucial to any sensitive being on this planet. …Could it be, whenever we face a life crisis, as though our soul was seeking to cross a deep and difficult river in its path, and that we must keep on wandering along the shore, for the rest of time, until we finally find a place to cross, and dare to make the crossing? If so, we might as well do it now. If it’s painful now, why stay stuck in it, why keep perpetuating it for eternity? Certainly, things we do in this life can haunt us and imprison us within this life. …As the saying goes, no matter how hard you try, “you can’t run away from yourself” –which may be what we’re doing whenever we run away from a hardship life has ‘“forced” upon us. Therefore, I believe that we must struggle with all our heart and insight, to go on, and never take our own lives. …Suicide is only rescheduling the ordeal for another time—and if we cannot pass through the hardship now, what is it that will make us be able to pass through it in the future? On the contrary, the more deeply the precedent of collapsing is entrenched within our souls, the harder it is likely to become to break through the barrier in the future. It is as though our souls were bleeding. Better to fight now, before we lose more blood! And yet one more way to think about suicide: Look at a part of yourself that was beautiful, a childhood photograph, a picture that you drew, something that evokes tenderness before the self-hate set in. Something that evokes that maternal/paternal instinct that has kept our human race from dying out - the heart’s pull towards that which is helpless and beautifully fresh, whether we have fathered/mothered it or not. Accept that child into your care, like an orphan…given to you to love, even if no one else does, to care for, to be a guardian of. Imagine yourself carrying that fragile, beautiful being with you along a hard, dark road. Can you see yourself saying, “Enough!”, and just throwing that child off your back or out of your arms, down onto the hard ground at the side of the road, leaving it behind in the cold to die? Of course not!…"

I need to scream

Hollllyyy! Just when I thought my life couldn't suck anymore! Now I have this knee thing to deal with. Why can't I have normal genetics? Yea that's right. I blame my heredity for all my pain and suffering. As bad as it sounds...I don't care. I'm sure as hell not blaming myself. Maybe I should blame God. Just because you all love him so much. I'm trying the knee excercise shit. I hope it's working. I feel sore. So that's good right? Gosh. I don't know anymore. This new msn space shit is PISSING me off. I have so much to deal with already and now my blog is turning its back on me? I'd go back to writing a normally diary, but hell, that's so much effort.
Back to school in 3 weeks. Why? I'm dreading the 6th. It seems like all my hopes and dreams are going down the drain. I hate being me sometimes. It really bites in the ass. Errr.
I feel that life has ripped me off big time. There has to be more to this. Don't tell me I'm still young. Because for all my young years, the only thing I can remember is pain. Physical and emotional pain. I'm trying to fight it. So far I've done really well for myself. But there is only so much a human mind can take. This evil cover up I sheild myself with. I don't know how much longer it will last. I feel as though I keep running in circles in a dark room, and there is no one to save me or turn on the light. I just need someone to understand and relate. I feel so damn incomplete. I've done nothing to be proud of so far in life. Nothing that meets my exceptions. Maybe I am just aiming for something to high. I am a terrorist to my own body. I don't think I've taken care of myself as well as I am suppose to. Actually, I know this for a fact. It's like, I just don't care what becomes of my body and soul anymore. I want to become a better and stronger person both mentally and physically but I don't know how and I don't know if I'll really be doing it for me. It surprises me that everything I seem to do, reflects on how I feel about Dru. I'm trying to get over him, but I'm trying to get over him, for him. How weird is that? This is complicated beyond what I can deal with. I hate this. I hate having to fight myself and my own mind.
I know I may seem cold. But I do not want to give the compassion that I do not recieve. I've tried to do it before, and all I got was a crushed heart. I can't get the one thing I wanted. The one thing I'd give up everything for. So why should I care about anyone else? Go ahead. Call me selfish. I don't care.
Selfish I am.