Catastrophe

"Im selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best" -Marilyn Monroe

I wish I could blog my anxiety away, but my attempts are vain.

They told me that the chances of running into the people who I don't get along with are slim. Yet, I ran into each and everyone of them. Nothing has changed about York, if anything, it's gotten worse. It's grown to become this larger sized high school hell phenomenon. Every time the lecture room gets loud, I get numb. I can't walk down the hallways without turning around wondering who's surrounded me. The more I try to avoid them. The more I see of them. I'm sickened.

Such a large bureaucracy and they can't even manage to run their own book store? Hell. Their system makes us seem like drunken lab rats running around in a maze.

People who I never thought could, are starting to annoy me. Odd. Vice versa, people who I thought I'd never get along with or who ticked me off for a period of time...are becoming a lot closer to me. Catastrophe.

Realization #1: This weekend led me to realize how pathetic my family really is. OK well it's not like I didn't already know. I think I was just ignoring it and avoiding it. I really do admire them. I'd be sentence to a life time of living hell and I'd die a brutal death from karma if I turn my back on them. No matter how bad their flaws are, and how many mistakes they've made. They raised me. They were always there for me through all the crap I had to endure. Sometimes I just wish that they were willing to forgive and forget. The whole family feud thing is becoming more and more aggravating. What he did was wrong, I won't deny that. But they owe him a lot. Its because of him that they got to be here. I don't see why they just can't put all this bullshit aside. They all came from the same mother. Doesn't that justify as anything? And the house. That stupid house. Can't they just split the profit?

I miss my cousin. We grew up like brother and sister. He was the one person who was always there that I could turn to and talk to. Then this whole ordeal happened with the family. And it just tore us apart. Because of their pointless fighting, we got to see less and less of each other. Now 13 years later, he's suffering. I know they say he's fine. I know he says he's fine. But I'm not stupid. I know enough, and I know him well enough to know that he's hurting. My attempt to fix this has also been in vain. The more I think about it, there's no way to enlighten them. They're all so stubborn.

Realization #2: This is where I get it from. The stubbornness, the ability to push people out of my life, being anti-social and being angry. I'm not blaming them. It's my own fault for picking up their bad habits. Now I know what my mom's family means when they say that I'm just like my dad and his family. I always took pride in that statement. And I still do. I know they threw it as me as a bad thing, but fuck them. If they were any better then maybe I'd care.

So what do I do now? Sit here and wait for everything to unfold itself? I've been waiting for quite some time now. Nothing has improved. I don't know what will happen for Cindy's wedding. I know they're just using the weather as an excuse, but really, they just don't wanna go because he'll be there. So what? It's not like they have to talk to each other.

Am I making my family out to be total monsters? That's so not my intention. They're not bad people. They're not selfish people. They just act that way to each other.

Joy.