Phobia

Phobia: 1) A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.
2) A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.



I've let my fear of being hurt by people get the best of me. I don't know exactly why I do this. But I don't know how to make it go away. I have this fear that everyone who I care about, and everyone who I trust will end up turning their back on me and that will just result to me being hurt. I've put my trust into so many people, and the end result was always me being hurt. I've learned to accept that I was just too naive with my feelings and emotions. I put myself out there too much. I trusted people way too much, I had too much faith in them. In the end, that was what brought me to where I am now. It's not that I don't want to confide in people, it's just that now I tend to think twice before. When someone has the ability to make me slip up and spill my guts to them, I feel good for a bit, but then I start to have regrets. Sometimes you need to let things out. But who do you let it out too? Someone can tell you over and over again that they care about you and that you can always talk to them. But how true is that? How far does that go?

My first speculation was that I could tell my family everything, especially my dad and Sheldon. But lately, Shell's been avoiding everyone, and I can't let the pain that I'm feeling hurt my dad. I can't do that to him. He's dealing with enough right now, he shouldn't have to add a depressed daughter to his list.

I shouldn't say that I'm depressed. Because I don't know if I am. I don't think I am, or I don't hope that I am. I think I'm just a bit over emotional right now. "A bit" might be an understatement!! My mood swings are out of this world! I don't even know if I can blame PMS anymore. I think maybe I do have problems. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to being happy and able to trust people. Lately all I've been doing was pushing people away. My dad, my friends, my family... even the people who I feel that I can tell everything too. "Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert. My mind is dying. I'm drifting off and I'm not suppose to. I thought that once school started, I'd be too focused on it to worry about other stupid things. But I still am I. I'm stressing my self over "him". I guess in a way it's true what they say, "you always want what you can't have". Part of me finds it hard to believe that he can't tell that I have feelings for him. Or can he? It's thoughts like these that keep running through my mind and sickening me with unanswerable questions. I could sit here and wonder for hours about him. I know I have better things to do. I'm behind in some of my readings....and I didn't start the rest of them. I have 2 essays due in a week as well as a test. I don't even know what I have due and when. Yet I'm sitting here thinking about a guy? Ha. I'm the typical pathetic female that I criticise.

My thoughts and priorities are all over the place. Scattered and disorganized. That's what my life has become; a big mess. I don't know where to start in trying to unscrew my screw ups. Lately I feel like I owe everyone an apology. I've brought this all on myself. I have no one to blame. I wish I could though. It'd be so easy to yell at someone, and blame them for everything that goes wrong in my life. The other day I was talking about how easy it is to be angry, I still feel this way. When I'm angry, I don't have time for self pity and self hate. I just take that and throw it towards someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone else, I wouldn't wish these feeling on anyone else.

I'm low on self-esteem and confidence. Why? Good question. I use to be so sure of myself and everything I stood for. But now it's all a blur to me. I hope the people in my life can figure out what I'm going through and realize that it's me, not them. Most of all I hope they can all forgive for this.



Gotta get done:

Soci 2040: Sociological Theory:

• October 30th, Mid-term
• November 26th, Fall essay?
• The four weeks of reading that I didn't do

Soci 2030: Sociological Research Methods:

• Literature review, October 24; 30% (ahhhh fuckkkkkkkkk)
• ALL the readings that I didn't do

Soci 2060: Social Interaction and Community

• In Class test, November 5 (gotta do well on this one since the last one flopped)
• This weeks reading. (thankfully)

Soci 3420: Population and Society

• OT3. Cohort Power, October 23
• Readings. Mostly all of them

Nats Sci 1860: Science: Past, Present, Future

• Test #1, October 22
• Double Helix review, November 28
• I actually gotta study for this :(