It took me a while..

But I think I'm finally able to put him into words. A lot of you, most of you....hell...all of you who I've talked about this told me I wasn't in love. It was just infatuation. In a way, you were right. It was infatuation rather than falling in love. However, at one point I was in love.

Before you criticize me and lecture me about my own feelings. Hear me out.

Him. His physically being. Him sitting here. His looks, his smile and his scent. That's where I'm guilty of being infatuated. He gave me those warm bubbly feelings and he made me smile and do those stupid little things like walk into doors (literally). And I liked that feeling.

But I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the idea of being in love with him. I know that doesn't make much sense to most of you, but it makes perfect sense to me.

All of you told me that he was no good for me. That I could do better, and that I deserve better. And I thought, 'who the hell are all of you to judge a guy you don't even know'? I wanted all of you too see what I saw in him. I wanted you to see what I was in love with.

The problem with that was everything I was in love with...was make believe. I had no idea who he was or who he is now. I was looking so hard to find someone that I could trust and look up too and be all the things that I needed and wanted, that somewhere in my mind I was able to convince myself that he was all that. I thought he was good for me, I thought that he was what I deserved. He wasn't. Everything I saw in him were just the illusions of my imaginations and my need of something to belong to me.

When I finally decided to let him go, all I wanted to do was to write it out. I wanted to put him into words on a piece of paper. I couldn't, and I didn't know why. I was so frustrated because I had all these feelings towards him, yet I couldn't write them down.

Even now there are moments when I feel as though I still have something for him, and it's hard to remind myself that he's not the person I wanted him to be. I still feel anger and bitterness towards him, yet sometimes all I want is to belong to his world...which in time I hope will go away. Maybe I do have some reasons to think he's a jerk. But I don't have any reasons to hate him. After all, I was just using him to fill a gap in my own life. I used him because I felt I needed a replacement for those who I've lost in my life that meant a lot to me. I made him out to be my savior, when in reality, he had no clue what was going on. Maybe there are things in his life that I want. I don't know yet, but I have time to figure it out.

My emotions are still running wild at times. I've learned to move on from friendships that I've lost, because some how I've learned that if someone ever really cared about you, they will always care about you, and although you may not talk to them or see them or consider them a friend, they'll still be there for you. I think I know that because so much time has gone by, things were left unsaid, and will probably never be said. He may not be my friend anymore, but I still care about him, and if he needs me, I there. Vice-versa.

I've fallen down and I've dealt with a lot of pain. For the first time in a long time, I think I'm finally able to stand up. And at least I can say I stood on my own.

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” Winston Churchill

On turning 21

I'm turning 21 and all that my life consists of is a t.v show, a job I don't like and a school I despise. Hell, the little I do have of my life, I spend it on facebook stalking my driving instructor, who by the way has disowned me to my face. I have no idea what I want out of my future, and I have no idea how to move myself out of this fixed world that I've created on my own. I'm like the planet Krypton, just waiting for self destruction! My center core is rupturing with so many emotions that I think I'm going to explode.

Holly shit, did I say I'm turning 21? I'm an adult now. I'm officially legal to drink and go clubbing in the US (which I have no intention of doing). But hell, I'm an adult. Aren't adults suppose to be mature? Aren't they suppose to make good decisions? I know everyone has their faults and I know everyone makes mistakes, but I feel as though I'm light years away from being mature. I don't even know what it means to be mature. Does it mean putting away the posters that cover your bedroom walls? Or stop calling everyone "dude"? Or stop reading books about vampires and werewolves? Maybe its about making amends with people who you didn't get along with when you were a kid or getting back in touch with that good friend you once had. And instead of those childish trips to the mall, you're suppose to go to coffee shops and talk about politics and other grown up stuff.

As much as I want to live a care free life, I'm going to have to make choices and one day I'm going to have to support myself. This shit terrifies the hell outta me. I don't want to grow up. I like my batman poster and superman movies and I love Smallville and vampire books. I want to live a different life, and I want to grow up and enter the real world, but part of me is too scared the leave my four walls of comfort.

I don't know how to being growing up. I can't do simple things like let go of high school grudges. I can't say things to people who I care about because I can't seem to put my pride aside. I log on to apply for teachers college, and I just freeze. Is that what I want? What else can I do with a freaking sociology major? I've limited myself in the worse possible way. Oh yea, I don't even like kids!!!

Here's what I think it is. I'm too damn lazy. I'm too lazy to fill out those damn forms. I'm too lazy too push myself to be something more. I live my life hoping that everything will just work out and unfold on its own. THAT'S why I'm a sociology major at York. THAT'S why I'm so confused. Laziness and fear. Two evil blood sucking demons!

Oh and on a brighter note, my family implied that my biological clock is now starting to tick so I better get on it. Then they asked me if I want to celebrate my 21st. HA!! The beginning of the end is starting and they want me to call on a celebration???? I think not :|

Pondering 2oo8

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Fixed, boring, dead conversations. Really, I hear the crickets chirping under the ground, under the 20 centimeters of snow.

Same thing, same questions. Their either lifeless and humorless, or just really disgusting.

It's not that I don't know what a good conversation is, because I do. I use to have them, but they seem so long ago. So long ago that I can't even remember what the hell they were about. However, I do remember that I enjoyed them, and that I miss them.

You can try so hard to keep a balance of liveliness and humor. You can put all this effort into keeping the other person captivated. That's where the problem is; when you have to try, it isn't there.

If there's one thing I've learned over the course of 2008, it's that you can't force friendship, and you can't force something that isn't there. You can lie to yourself and pretend that things are the way you want it to be, but really, you're just kidding yourself in the end.

Friendship comes naturally, you either bond with someone, or you don't. That's why best friends are best friends, they know what to say to each other. They know when to be harsh and when to be sympathetic. Their the ones who you can get into a fight with, and make up with without having to say a word.

I'd like to believe in what I'm rambling about, and for the most part the friendships that I've had over the years have proven my theory to be right. Yet I still question this, because what about that one friend who you told everything too? The one who you spent hours on the phone with every night just talking about stuff? Like just stuff...anything and everything? What happens when you fall apart from them and you can't seem to find your way back? How does that happen? You have this bond with someone for over 5 years, then it feels like they've disappeared. But they haven't gone anywhere, they're right where they always were, you just can't bring yourself to say what you need to say to them. Does this void the whole friendship theory? Or is it just an exception? Can you try to make the friendship come back? If you put effort will it be the way it was before? Or is what you once had gone forever?

How often do we let that one special person go? People around you have these ideas of what the two of you are. Some people try and break that apart, and even succeed. Then their the ones who give advice on how to fix things, but hell, if it were so easy don't they think it would have been done already? I'm holding back on saying what needs to be said, because I'm terrified of trying. I don't want to try, I want it to be there. I want to just be able to say "hey, long time", and have everything be alright again.


You can speak over and over again, but you'll never be heard until someone listens.

Untitled.

"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together"
-Marilyn Monroe

Reposted quote? I'm not sure, but I'm not in the mood to care =)

Jesus Christ. I fell in love with my driving instructor. I don't get it, was I this in love with him when I did the in class shit? WAS I?? Ugh no, I don't think so. I wasn't THIS crazy. I had a small simple crush, but hell, after my first lesson with him, he was ALL that I thought about. So now, I want to key the bastards car. I mean, does he get a kick out of having girls fall for him then blowing them off? Does he enjoy giving false hopes? I think he does! I should have known better. When I read his facebook profile and it said that he was in a relationship, but under religious belief it said "I'm single", I should have taken that as a red code. It was the total "OH NO!! BACK AWAY!!!" alarm, just screaming to me, but I failed to listen and jumped right into the fire. I could have done lesson with his mom, and quite possibly passed my G, but instead I chose to go with the "real loser" (words chosen by my mother after he missed out first lesson the first time around). Not only did I screw up that first time, but I went straight back into the second time.

Now here's what grinds my gear. Tuesday night, lets give the exact date. Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 between 8 and 9pm. I would have honestly considered that one of the best--actually, no, THE best night of my life. I felt like...me. We talked we shared things, and he made me feel all warm and bubbly despite it being fucking cold outside. But I don't think I felt like me, because when I'm with him, I try to be everything but me. Maybe that night I was more like myself, but not completely. Hell, I don't know. Anyways, Prince charming is a high-school drop out, who will most likely be doing that same job for the rest of his life. Unless by chance he turns into a star soccer player, which I highly doubt, but for the sake of being proven wrong, I won't totally dismiss yet. I don't understand how that night could have been so....touching and so connected that he could totally forget our lesson the next day...and the one the day after that... and then not even bother to call me for my test. Jerk? Yes. Jerk.

Then me being the stupid loser that I am, decides to stalk him. No, not my brightest moment, but it's what I do. I waited out there for TWO HOURS. Bored out of my mind, just waiting. Anyways when he finally SAW me, he drove right past me. Nice. Reallyyyyy nice. The thing is, how can I be mad at him when I set myself up for that? He's had his own life before me, he clearly has one after me. Hundreds of girls probably walked in and out of that driving school with the same crush that I've had. Maybe not as bad, but he's seen those puppy eyes before. In my head I made him out to be the one, which he isn't.

To make matters worse, I'm still sitting here imagining what my life could be like with him in it. I imagine it as if he's the perfect guy I picture in my head.

Another yr of misery

*sigh*
Yet another year of York and endless hours of boring brutality. This year, much like all the others, started off to a bad start. Not that I'm surprised. My webct still isn't up and running, I'm totally lost already as to what I'm suppose to do for most of my assignments and I have some of my books yet. Not that they're worth buying them. The work load for some of these courses are nothing less than ridiculous, so like, what the fucking hell am I paying 6,100 for?? I'm less than thrilled.

Things at work haven't lightened up much either. The wicked witch is back and she's still a bigger bitch than ever.

I think I need to continue this later :( damn class!

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Hello betrayal, so we meet again. Is the grass greener on my side? It must be, you come here too often and stay for too long. I must say, you've over stayed your welcome. But really, why would I want to send away the one constant thing in my life that has an automatic replay function?

In all good time, so they say. Take it one day at a time, it will get easier. I should not scrutinize these very words because they're the same ones I've use upon others. I will however admit that it's a lie. Yes I've lied. If I had told you that it will get easier then I apologize, because the road to recovery is nothing by a broken roller coaster sending you on the most thrilling, frightening ride of your life. If you're lucky, you get off unharmed with no wounds. I have yet to meet this miracle.

Five months have passed. I'm ok, but I'm not great. I have moments where I pick up the wrong card in the game and I get sent back to Go. I move backwards in a sudden swing and I find myself where I was to start with. Then there are the day when I'm so close to Finish and winning the game, but I can never quite make it because there is always something holding me back.

I miss the innocent years where simple things were simple and had very little meaning. Take a road for instance. Your five year old self saw them all as the same, maybe one of two had Mac Donalds on them, but other than that, they were the same thing. The path that took you from one place to another.

Then you blow out your 16 candles. That road then becomes something with a name and many purposes. It's either the right road, or the wrong road. The road that will take you to somewhere you need to be, or want to be, or don't want to see at all. You have to worry about the stop signs, crossing signs and speeding signs. This is road is now a destination taking you somewhere, but you need to get there taking precaution. You're surrounded by other drivers and other people. You have rules to follow. To the over paranoid, this road could be the road that leads you to your end, because one false move can cause you too loose your life.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Reality.

And it sucks.

I've dreamt of having life simple. Not the dream of being rich and famous, but the dream of having everything already sorted out for you. The dream of not having to worry about your next move. The dream of where things can be left unsaid because they do not need to be said. But the truth is, I didn't say what I needed to say and he didn't say what he needed to say. Now we're here. I didn't take the steps that I should have taken, and I quite possibly missed out on my happily ever after.


My Road is, the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

RAWR

Another long, boring, dreadful, stressful, annoying, disappointing day at work! One of many from before, and one of many more to come! Joygasm! RAWR. I need to rant, and scream and slam my head against something hard. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY!

BITCHES. BITCHES. BITCHES.


WHORES WHORES WHORES.

Sweet nibblets!

Yes, I took my subject line from the Hannah Montana show. IT'S NOT MY FAULT BILLY RAY IS SO ADORABLE! Heh. I found myself being pathetic again. However, it's become such a constant theme in my life that I've just learned to accept it.

Soooo, about my job. In sum, let's just put it this way, I like the job. Actually, I really like the job. Now let me the define what I mean by job. I mean that I like doing the work. The work is easy, and appealing and I enjoy it. Although at times it can be overly busy, it is rather easy and it doesn't take long to get use to. So what am I always whining about? It's the people whom I don't like! They annoy me, and I don't feel as though I'm being treated fairly compared to the other girls. I also find it rather disgusting how someone who I've helped so brutally turned their back on me and can be so damn ungrateful. But what ever, that has moved on.

As aggravating as this job is, I owe it to myself to hold it off for a bit longer. The pay isn't good, and the people are even worse, but it is experience that I need. REALLY need. Also, finding a job and landing it on your own here in Toronto isn't exactly easy. You need to know someone or have at least three years of experience in the same field. It's only been a month so far, the least I could do for myself is hold it off for six months or so, or maybe even a year. After that maybe something else will come by. I'm hoping to get into a bank, but I doubt that will happen. OH WELL.

I should force my ass to bed and pray for some sleep. Early morning and a 6.5 hour shift. BLAH. I could blog about having a whole week of mom free zone, but really, theres nothing much to talk about. I've been bored and I've done nothing. It's pretty much the same thing with her being here. So honestly, I haven't noticed any difference. She'll be back before I know it. Shoot me.

I wish I had something brilliant to start this blog off with, or to end it with. But I don't. So if any one actually forced themselves to read this brutal shit... this is the least I can offer you.
Enjoy!

There are some who become who they want to be, or who they're suppose to be just seconds before taking that last breathe. It's that moment of knowing that you'll never be able to say out loud the things you've always wanted to say to the important people in your life. That specific moment is when your whole life seems to flash by you, and you either feel joy or regret. There are also those who that encounter that brush of death, but some how, life finds a way to grab onto their hand and pull them back to reality. Some claim that an experience as such can change ones life. It can open windows that leads to making the right choices.

"Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice...It's the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right." Spider-man 3

Brilliant, inspiring words, but are they easier said than done? How can we stop ourselves from making a bad choice when we're so deeply embedded in our anger and rage? What do we require in order to pull us away from the darkness?

We'd all be in denial if we said we haven't done anything that we're not proud of. Let's face it, we've all said or done things that we regret or we make mistakes that could have been avoided. But how do we justify them? Or, how do we go about forgiving ourself and learn to accept that some things are out of our reach, therefore we cannot change them?

How do we know what the right thing is? Super hero's make it look easy, but what's the reality behind it? Clark Kent could kill Lex Luthor in the blink of an eye. Spider-man can rob banks and become an over-night billionaire. So what stops them? How is it so simple for fictional characters to want to use their power for good and not evil, yet we live in a reality where power corrupts and people get hurt?

I'm not scrutinizing humanity on the whole. There are great men who've walked before us and who walks among us. They've done great things, and they continue to do great things. They're the ordinary humans who save lives on a daily basis and put others before themselves.

That leaves me to wonder. Is there really evil in this world? Do the dictators who have many suffering below them want to be the way they are? What about me? What about my friends and my family? What about you? Or the strangers you encounter everyday? Do we all have a bit of Clark Kent hidden somewhere in us? What about the ones who takes the lives of others? Are they truly evil, or do they hope to one day be the person who many would admire?

I look at my own life and question some of the actions that I've made. I can't justify the bad choices, but I do wish I could go back in time and change the things that I've done. We all have our moments of inspiration where we want to do good in the world. So how is it that anger and rage can over power this?

Just a thought

"Lunch in a bowl: I don't love you." - Jonathan Safran Foer

Is it possible to love someone with out loving them? What I mean is, is it possible to still love someone who you've ended a relationship with and never want to see or hear from again? Is it possible to love and hate one person?

The truth is, as much as I would like to believe that I've moved on from him, and discarded him from the pages of my life; I haven't. If you read between the lines, he's there! I know it may seem like my world revolves around him from what I blog, but you have to bare with me and keep in mind that I only blog when I feel of rush of reminiscence coming over me. That and I have nothing else to write about other than Smallville.

Maybe it's because things ended so weirdly. Yes, I must admit I was first to erase him from my life, but he was not giving me much of a choice. I felt as though he was avoiding me, and that he just didn't want to speak to me. I couldn't keep in contact with him, because had I did, I would have never fell out of love with him. Hmm, I think I just answered my own question. I love him, but I'm not in love with him.

There's not much more that I can do other than sit here and wonder. In good time, if he allows me too, my relationship with him will be nothing more than a faint, distant memory; a beautiful one.

Forfeit

Chance, after chance. I gave them to you. Just when I thought I couldn't give you anymore, I laid out another one.

So why did you keep coming back if you had no intention of making things right? What kind of sick mind game did you hope to accomplish?

Consider me the rain on your parade. You failed miserably. What ever stunt you, or your evil sidekick were trying to pull, it did not work out. Perhaps you need new tactics? Or perhaps your partner is so immature beyond her age that she cannot simply go a full day without the slightest bit of drama in her life that she had to allow something as stupid as this to occur.

I don't blame her for being jealous. But I was not the venom in your relationship. You were. Your lack of being able to control your emotions, your selfishness and your pride screwed you over big time. You didn't win any battle, nor did she. All that happened was that you lost one of your best friends.

It must have torn you apart to noticed how easily I disregarded you. As though you were just trash. Well baby, you're nothing more than that to me now. I was willing and able to swallow my pride, but you had to meet me half way. You couldn't do that. Now it's over and done for.


Best of luck to you. (K)

Enlightened?

So I'm doing o.k? Who would have guessed! Of course I still have my moments of wonder. I still have no idea why he added me back on msn, but I can't bring myself to care about him! Cool! If only my studying and essaying attempts would go this easy!

Disappointment of the week: I thought there was going to be new Smallville! Unfortunately I'm going to have to wait until the 17th to see who's going to die. I'm guessing it's Lionel from the spoilers and promo caps. Oh I know I shouldn't have looked! But I couldn't resist! Besides, my home page is the Kryponsite, so how could I have possibly not seen it? This is going to be a crazy and disappointing week, not just because of Smallville, but because of all the exams. At least my essay is sort of coming together. I'd like it to come along a bit faster, but life isn't going to work that way for me. I should be terrified, but I'm so calm. I know I'm going to fail, BUT I'M SO CALM. Damnit Welling, you see what you're doing to me? Which reminds me, Tom Welling is currently at first place with 43% of the votes (90% of that which are mine) along with co star Erica Durance who is also at number one in her category with 43% of the votes! I'm so proud of them! (And me). Now to dominate the study world! Maybe this small Smallville break is what I need to get me back into the zone? (Pfft, yea right!)

Odd

Ever since I was small, being in my grandmothers house was normal for me. I was comfortable there. I spent a lot of time there. I was usually there during the day when my parents were at work, during summer vacation, march break and P.A days. Most days during the school year I would go to her house after school to grab something to eat. It was all familiar and comfortable to me. I never really gave it much thought, but after Grandpa passed away, I've been spending less and less time there. Now I only set foot in that house for Christmas, mothers day, or if she needs something. I don't know what it is, but the house now feels somewhat colder. I don't feel comfortable there, and I don't want to be there. It's not that I have anything against my grandmother, I just can't be in that house for too long! I don't think I'm scared of grandpa's ghost haunting it, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to be in that house alone! Something about it just doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe I'm scared, and paranoid. But I cannot say it logically how I feel as soon as I step into the basement of the house. So much has changed within my family since I was a kid. It's hard to believe that I once grew up and lived happily there. Most of my faintest memories are good, fun and delightful. But they date way back. I think the last few good memories that I've had from that house go back to grade four or five. Ever since then everything has been a blur. I don't know what I can do in order to get that feeling of comfort back, and to be honest, I don't think I care enough to try. Of course I miss those good times, but sadly things will never go back to the way they were. I've grown, my family and has grown, and we've all lost many ties within one another.

Monday Morning Blues

But I'm feeling seriously green. I envy people who can get up and find energy to survive a cold Monday morning right after loosing an hour of sleep due to the time change. Who the hell really cares about day light anyways? I prefer my hour of sleep! SLEEP! I'm either getting too much or too little of it. I don't know any more. My body is loosing grip with my mental state. I don't know what it is! I'm not healthy. I hate people who can make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle and stick to it. I have no motivation or will power! I'm tired of school and I'm tired of listening to people complain. In all honesty, I don't care about one or anything but Smallville! Speaking of which, they started filming episode 16 of this season today, and it's about time! I've been so worried about the show lately, the good news is that there will be no Lana Lang for season eight, but there will also be no Lex. No more Michael Rosenbaum. I adore him, but at least more focus will be on my Tom Welling. *Smiles*
This month is so brutally painful and slow. So far I'm finished 2 out of my 5 essays. 3 more to go! Then I have to study for a make up nats sci test this Wednesday, read an over due book for a book report due next Wednesday. Finish my essays for April 1st, and study for my mid term on April 1. Oh and great, I just remembered that I have tests on the 31st as well. See what I mean by brutal? On top of all of this fun stuff, I'm still also suffering the loss of him. I miss him sometimes. It's those stupid, funny conversations that I miss the most. The ones the brighten my day. So as you can guess, asides from the days that Smallville is on, my days are pretty damn dull!
So the Monday blues continue. I'm sitting here waiting for my class to start. I haven't done much, or any of the readings for this class. In all honestly, I'm disgusted with this course as well as the others. Really sweet T.A though. He just walked in so I thought I'd mention that :)

Mistakes and Lessons

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. --John Powell

We live, we learn. We make mistakes and we learn from them. We strive to not repeat these mistakes. I'm guilty of re-offending.
I do not know what it is about him that first attracted me. He was a jerk. Quiet possibly I like jerks? Or maybe it was his sudden thirst for me, that something that made him attracted to me. I don't know. I care not to know. What I would like to know is where it all went wrong. I can blame him, and I can blame myself. But what is all this blame doing for me? I'm still sitting here clueless. My actions are unjustifiable, my mind is weary and my soul is aching. I've placed so much of my trust in him, that I've forgotten how to trust myself.

He's Holding On My Heart Like a Hand Grenade

And I'm letting him! I'm one of those girl who I make fun of. The love sick ones, the ones who let a man define them. I don't think I'm letting him define me, but rather, I want to be what he wants me to be. Or I'd just hope that he'd see me for who I am. Now I'm talking in a fucking riddle!!! If you don't understand what the hell I'm rambling about, it's ok. Neither do I!!! I don't know how I let playful summer love result to this. We were just friends, really good friends, and I allowed myself to fall in love with him. But he made it easy. He has a girl friend, but the late night calls, the flirting...how could I not fall down so fast? I don't know who I'm trying to fool. It can never be. *sigh* All I can do is try to get over him. It won't be easy, and I've already failed so many times. But what choice do I have but to try again.
It's my own fault that it won't work. I'm too insecure with myself, and for that, I refused to spend time with him one on one. One on one time that we desperately needed. I keep saying that I need to get myself together, but how can I?
And then I look at the way he treats me sometimes. It's awful. It's like he thinks of me as his bitch. Someone who he can call when he can't find anyone else to tag along with him. Or someone who will spoil his ass rotten. I don't play like that. I refuse to act like how his gf does. I will not let him treat me like crap and get away with it. That'll be to easy for him. I keep saying that I need time for me, time to figure myself out...but how much time exactly? And all this time is clearly not getting me anywhere. Ugh.
The events in my life lead me to ask myself "Does believing in karma actually make it come true?" Well I surely hope not, because my karma is ultimately bad! It seems as though certain people are out to get me, and not knowing their intentions makes it hard to prepare myself for the worst. I hate being so defensive, but it's my job to protect my life and the things in it that are important to me.
Even with my birthday coming up, I feel that I have very little to look forward too. Smallville's episode that week will be simply amazing and thrilling...but my actual birthday? I don't know where I'm going with that. Maybe the usual...friends and dinner. What I hate is that I'll have to get drunk. I don't know why, but I always feel alone in groups of people, and I never really feel comfortable in my own skin until I take at least one drink. Poison for the system goes a long way in terms of a comfort zone. I can't even find anything decent to wear! I might as well just go in jeans and a sweater. Maybe I should just skip turning 20 this year? I WISH!!! I hate birthdays. I'm just at a point where I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or where I'm going with my life. Everything seems pointless. And no, this has nothing to do with him. Rather it's me and my insecurities which complies upon each other.

“Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle.” And I'm begging life to stop doing this.

Bleh

This is going to be one those blogs where I have nothing to blog about but I'll pretend that I do when really all I'm doing is ranting about random stupid shit that magically pops into my head as I sit here and bang away at my keyboard. But wait? Isn't that what a blog is for? I think I found the light.
This is why I love blogging, it's like a normal form of talking to yourself. You can't talk on the train or the bus, because the people beside you would be like "damn, what's she smoking? how many times did her parents drop her on the head". Heh. If only they knew. Omgravy! I'm soo totally in love with the O.C now! Not as in love like Smallville in love, but in love. It's such a cute show...Ben McKenzie.. RAWR!! And I've come to a conclusion about my hair... I'm dying over it! The orangeness is making me sick. I look like a Christmas tree topping. Which reminds me, Christmas is OVER!!! WOOHOO!!!! No more bright lights and nasty tree's at the malls... well not until next year. This was a painful Xmas, long and boring and dreadful, but what's even worse... the thought of going back to York. I have to do the stupid group project with those stupid bitchy white bitches who I hate, and I might have to take the ttc! EW!
I don't know why I bother to lie to myself anymore. I really don't. I keep telling myself that I'll catch up on my reading during the break or try and figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I never do. I just sit here and blog. Hah. I miss Smallville so much! I just sit here and wonder what will happen next. Yes yes, I know I said Tom Welling needs a break...BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. My poor baby, I was watching this backstage pass thing on youtube about Smallville, there's like 10 days of filming...and Tom needs to be there 9/10 of them! The other cast members are only there for like 4-5/10. He's a hard working man. And a damn good looking one too. *sigh*


Whoop whoop!! No ti na de mikkle!

If only...

I had it in me to say what I want to say to him. Ahhh.
"It's an extra dividend when you like the girl you're in love with."-- Clark Gable
It should be me. Wouldn't that be perfect? If it were me and him? Oh I think it'd be awesome. I can work up the courage to speak my mind about a million things. Yet when it comes to this, I have no back bone, and no voice. Even in my deepest drunkest something keeps holding me back from screaming out the three words that I've been keeping to myself for the longest while. This is what happens when you fall too hard and too fast. I've gotten myself into this huge emotional mess, and I don't know how to get myself out!!!

Christmas? A waste!!! I could blog and rant more, but it's 2:30 am and I'm tired. Quite possibly boxing day shopping in the morning. Maybe I'll come back and edit this tonight. Maybeeeee.
December 27, 2007
I had time to reflect. But I didn't. I'm just as confused and messed up as I was yesterday. However, I did determine that I'm NEVER going out on boxing day again. Waste of time!

Tropicana

Jumping, Jumping, HIGHER!!! Umm. EW!!!! What the hell is this? EW!!!! Merry Xmas Y'all!!! Ugh this is the wonderful art work that resulted from my family once again bringing down my self esteem. Yes I know my emo styled hair was far from perfect, but I liked it. It was one of the few things that I liked about myself. But no, they had to bring that to the ditch and leave me with orange fucking hair. *sigh* I did this for them, to make them happy, and yet they'll still criticize it!! I can't even look at myself anymore. It's sickening! ORANGE!!!!

Applesauce

"Sanity is madness put to good uses." George Santayana

In my eyes, the world is literally on fire. Now would be a good time for the Justice League to kick into action. Now for a short moment of pondering, what shall I bitch about first? The Smallville break, the death of a 16 year old girl by the hand of her own ‘father’, the holidays, or York? This is what happens when you don’t blog for over 2 months, all your ideas and feelings get lost or misguided and when you sit down to write it all out weeks later, you don’t know where to start or what to talk about.

First, my apologies to myself for not letting out my insanity by writing here when I needed to.

I guess I’ll begin with the death of the 16 year old. So her ‘father’ allegedly killed her because of her choice not to wear the hijab. What do I know about Islam? Nothing, I haven’t read the Qur’an and I don’t plan to. So why is it that I’m so scared of something that I know nothing about? For one, I think it’s because I fear that this religion may one day take over the world. Thank goodness I have a room reserved in Hell for me. Secondly, I’ve only heard bad things about this religion. People who I’ve attempted to reason with over it…are not willing to reason back. Islam is simply right to them. Maybe I can’t see their support because I don’t believe in religion myself? But after a death over something that is supposed to be optional, how else am I suppose to feel. I’m not saying that I think their religion has it written in blood that women need to confirm to this. Rather, I see this as a situation of extremist. Her ‘father’ believed too deeply that she should wear the hijab, he took it too deeply that women need to hide their faces. Some may argue that this has nothing to do with religion, but it does. Religion may not be the blame, but of course it played a role. I place the title father in quotations because I believe it’s a title he doesn’t deserve. Fathers don’t kill their child. A child should not have to live in fear of their Father. A father loves and protects their child. He supports them and guides them in the right direction. What ever this girl was doing, she did not deserve to have her life taken away. There are many ways to deal with teenagers, placing your hands around their neck isn’t the right way. Looking on facebook, I’ve noticed that she was quite the normal girl. She dressed like most of the other high school girls and she looked relatively happy. Now really, what did her parents expect? If you come to Canada, expect to learn to adapt to the western ways, do not come here and expect society to change on behalf of your beliefs and culture. That’s not how it works. If you do not want your child to be affected by the western society…then stay where you are.

So now that I’ve brought up Facebook, it’s only right for me to bring up my mind spill on the issues there. Within 1-2 days after her death, groups were made, and the walls were filled with comments on Islam and religion. Aren’t those groups meant to be about her? Of course I love a good argument, but at least give the group another title. I’ve noticed that people who follow Islam are too closed minded. You can talk shit about Christianity, Hinduism, but arrest me now if I talk about Islam. The wall post were all about arguing for or against Islam and no one was willing to talk about how to prevent situations like this. One girl attempted too…but she was labelled as being cold hearted. Another surprise to me, her friends stated that they knew Asqa was scared of her father, yet none of them did anything to help her? Further more they sit down on facebook and make groups to talk bullshit and beg for attention? If you’re so heartbroken and sorry… then go spend time with her family, help plan the funeral. Don’t sit down on your computer and swear at people who you’ve never met before in your life!!!

By the way, Britney Spear’s 16 year old sister is pregnant.

Blah. Ok what’s next? SMALLVILLE!!!! Holly friggers! No new episodes until January 30th! I’m screwed!!! There are so many questions! Bizzaro is back, Milton Fine is making a return…and so is Green Arrow…along with Black Canary!! And Pete is coming back as well! Omgravy! This is too much to take in! Although, Tom Welling looks like he needs a break. I’ve noticed that the bottom of his eyes have gotten a tad bit puffier than they normally are (of course I’d notice something like that). I’ll try not to dwell too much on the break, I’ll think of it more as a resting period for Tom. The break is basically because of the writers strike. But honestly I’m not mad. The writers of Smallville are brilliant. They’ve created an adaptation to the legend of Superman. DC comics is now adding Chloe Sullivan to their character listing which is awesome. I really hope the network give the writers what they want.

The holidays. Yikes! I hate this time of year. HATE HATE HATE!!! It really blows. There’s so much fuss, and for what? This season is all about wasting money and traveling in the snow to see people who you’d rather not see. Sure I love getting gifts, always did and probable always will. But once you open them, they’re just there. I never know what to do with them. So I get confused…and I just ignore everything all together. I really don’t want to see my family this year. I love them to death, but I can’t stand to listen to them complain about Cindy’s choice to have a winter wedding, or Sheldon’s anti-socialness or what ever other crap they can think of. I’m tired. Really, really tired. Speaking of her wedding, I don’t think I can make it. With the weather and school, I just don’t know. I don’t have the heart to tell her though. She really wants me to be there, and I want to be there. I think I’ve been waiting for her wedding day longer than she has. Isn’t that pathetic? Also, this is month where VC’s mom died. I know she’s sad and depressed, but I don’t know how to talk to her. What the hell am I suppose to say? I can’t tell her that I know what she’s going through, because I don’t. I want to be of comfort to her, but I just don’t know how. I never know the right way to respond to her.

After Christmas passes, I’ll soon after have to return to York. That school gets more depressing every week. I’m behind in all of my courses, and I can’t be bothered to try and bring myself up to where I need to be. The atmosphere there is just bull shit. I hate the people there, I hate the protesting, I hate the courses, and I wish I would have gone to UTSC. I’m a moron. I have that stupid group project to work on, with that stupid group who I hate. Well jeez, I just hate everything don’t I?

*Him*, where to start? I try to ignore him, but I can’t, he’s too flipping bloody addictive. He’s like that last martini that you know you shouldn’t drink, but you drink it anyways. I know he’s no good for me, and I know I can do better. Yet I don’t care. It’s like I want to intoxicate myself with him despite the bad outcome.

Oh and I finally saw a Saw movie! I saw the last one, and I LOVED IT!!! It was so brilliant! The writer is a genius!!!! The plot was pure amazement and well thought out. I was captivated by it. I also sat down to watch 23 with Jim Carey (with Jim Carey in it? fuck my grammar went down the drain). It was a movie that I wanted to see when it came out, but I never made the time too watch it. It was also very good, although I have to say that the whole idea of everything adding up to 23 was very stupid. For Lia’s birthday we went to go see I am Legend. I really liked it! Even if they did kill a dog :(

I'm starving.