He's Holding On My Heart Like a Hand Grenade

And I'm letting him! I'm one of those girl who I make fun of. The love sick ones, the ones who let a man define them. I don't think I'm letting him define me, but rather, I want to be what he wants me to be. Or I'd just hope that he'd see me for who I am. Now I'm talking in a fucking riddle!!! If you don't understand what the hell I'm rambling about, it's ok. Neither do I!!! I don't know how I let playful summer love result to this. We were just friends, really good friends, and I allowed myself to fall in love with him. But he made it easy. He has a girl friend, but the late night calls, the flirting...how could I not fall down so fast? I don't know who I'm trying to fool. It can never be. *sigh* All I can do is try to get over him. It won't be easy, and I've already failed so many times. But what choice do I have but to try again.
It's my own fault that it won't work. I'm too insecure with myself, and for that, I refused to spend time with him one on one. One on one time that we desperately needed. I keep saying that I need to get myself together, but how can I?
And then I look at the way he treats me sometimes. It's awful. It's like he thinks of me as his bitch. Someone who he can call when he can't find anyone else to tag along with him. Or someone who will spoil his ass rotten. I don't play like that. I refuse to act like how his gf does. I will not let him treat me like crap and get away with it. That'll be to easy for him. I keep saying that I need time for me, time to figure myself out...but how much time exactly? And all this time is clearly not getting me anywhere. Ugh.
The events in my life lead me to ask myself "Does believing in karma actually make it come true?" Well I surely hope not, because my karma is ultimately bad! It seems as though certain people are out to get me, and not knowing their intentions makes it hard to prepare myself for the worst. I hate being so defensive, but it's my job to protect my life and the things in it that are important to me.
Even with my birthday coming up, I feel that I have very little to look forward too. Smallville's episode that week will be simply amazing and thrilling...but my actual birthday? I don't know where I'm going with that. Maybe the usual...friends and dinner. What I hate is that I'll have to get drunk. I don't know why, but I always feel alone in groups of people, and I never really feel comfortable in my own skin until I take at least one drink. Poison for the system goes a long way in terms of a comfort zone. I can't even find anything decent to wear! I might as well just go in jeans and a sweater. Maybe I should just skip turning 20 this year? I WISH!!! I hate birthdays. I'm just at a point where I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or where I'm going with my life. Everything seems pointless. And no, this has nothing to do with him. Rather it's me and my insecurities which complies upon each other.

“Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle.” And I'm begging life to stop doing this.