But I think I'm finally able to put him into words. A lot of you, most of you....hell...all of you who I've talked about this told me I wasn't in love. It was just infatuation. In a way, you were right. It was infatuation rather than falling in love. However, at one point I was in love.
Before you criticize me and lecture me about my own feelings. Hear me out.
Him. His physically being. Him sitting here. His looks, his smile and his scent. That's where I'm guilty of being infatuated. He gave me those warm bubbly feelings and he made me smile and do those stupid little things like walk into doors (literally). And I liked that feeling.
But I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the idea of being in love with him. I know that doesn't make much sense to most of you, but it makes perfect sense to me.
All of you told me that he was no good for me. That I could do better, and that I deserve better. And I thought, 'who the hell are all of you to judge a guy you don't even know'? I wanted all of you too see what I saw in him. I wanted you to see what I was in love with.
The problem with that was everything I was in love with...was make believe. I had no idea who he was or who he is now. I was looking so hard to find someone that I could trust and look up too and be all the things that I needed and wanted, that somewhere in my mind I was able to convince myself that he was all that. I thought he was good for me, I thought that he was what I deserved. He wasn't. Everything I saw in him were just the illusions of my imaginations and my need of something to belong to me.
When I finally decided to let him go, all I wanted to do was to write it out. I wanted to put him into words on a piece of paper. I couldn't, and I didn't know why. I was so frustrated because I had all these feelings towards him, yet I couldn't write them down.
Even now there are moments when I feel as though I still have something for him, and it's hard to remind myself that he's not the person I wanted him to be. I still feel anger and bitterness towards him, yet sometimes all I want is to belong to his world...which in time I hope will go away. Maybe I do have some reasons to think he's a jerk. But I don't have any reasons to hate him. After all, I was just using him to fill a gap in my own life. I used him because I felt I needed a replacement for those who I've lost in my life that meant a lot to me. I made him out to be my savior, when in reality, he had no clue what was going on. Maybe there are things in his life that I want. I don't know yet, but I have time to figure it out.
My emotions are still running wild at times. I've learned to move on from friendships that I've lost, because some how I've learned that if someone ever really cared about you, they will always care about you, and although you may not talk to them or see them or consider them a friend, they'll still be there for you. I think I know that because so much time has gone by, things were left unsaid, and will probably never be said. He may not be my friend anymore, but I still care about him, and if he needs me, I there. Vice-versa.
I've fallen down and I've dealt with a lot of pain. For the first time in a long time, I think I'm finally able to stand up. And at least I can say I stood on my own.
“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” Winston Churchill
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