On turning 21

I'm turning 21 and all that my life consists of is a t.v show, a job I don't like and a school I despise. Hell, the little I do have of my life, I spend it on facebook stalking my driving instructor, who by the way has disowned me to my face. I have no idea what I want out of my future, and I have no idea how to move myself out of this fixed world that I've created on my own. I'm like the planet Krypton, just waiting for self destruction! My center core is rupturing with so many emotions that I think I'm going to explode.

Holly shit, did I say I'm turning 21? I'm an adult now. I'm officially legal to drink and go clubbing in the US (which I have no intention of doing). But hell, I'm an adult. Aren't adults suppose to be mature? Aren't they suppose to make good decisions? I know everyone has their faults and I know everyone makes mistakes, but I feel as though I'm light years away from being mature. I don't even know what it means to be mature. Does it mean putting away the posters that cover your bedroom walls? Or stop calling everyone "dude"? Or stop reading books about vampires and werewolves? Maybe its about making amends with people who you didn't get along with when you were a kid or getting back in touch with that good friend you once had. And instead of those childish trips to the mall, you're suppose to go to coffee shops and talk about politics and other grown up stuff.

As much as I want to live a care free life, I'm going to have to make choices and one day I'm going to have to support myself. This shit terrifies the hell outta me. I don't want to grow up. I like my batman poster and superman movies and I love Smallville and vampire books. I want to live a different life, and I want to grow up and enter the real world, but part of me is too scared the leave my four walls of comfort.

I don't know how to being growing up. I can't do simple things like let go of high school grudges. I can't say things to people who I care about because I can't seem to put my pride aside. I log on to apply for teachers college, and I just freeze. Is that what I want? What else can I do with a freaking sociology major? I've limited myself in the worse possible way. Oh yea, I don't even like kids!!!

Here's what I think it is. I'm too damn lazy. I'm too lazy to fill out those damn forms. I'm too lazy too push myself to be something more. I live my life hoping that everything will just work out and unfold on its own. THAT'S why I'm a sociology major at York. THAT'S why I'm so confused. Laziness and fear. Two evil blood sucking demons!

Oh and on a brighter note, my family implied that my biological clock is now starting to tick so I better get on it. Then they asked me if I want to celebrate my 21st. HA!! The beginning of the end is starting and they want me to call on a celebration???? I think not :|

Pondering 2oo8

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Fixed, boring, dead conversations. Really, I hear the crickets chirping under the ground, under the 20 centimeters of snow.

Same thing, same questions. Their either lifeless and humorless, or just really disgusting.

It's not that I don't know what a good conversation is, because I do. I use to have them, but they seem so long ago. So long ago that I can't even remember what the hell they were about. However, I do remember that I enjoyed them, and that I miss them.

You can try so hard to keep a balance of liveliness and humor. You can put all this effort into keeping the other person captivated. That's where the problem is; when you have to try, it isn't there.

If there's one thing I've learned over the course of 2008, it's that you can't force friendship, and you can't force something that isn't there. You can lie to yourself and pretend that things are the way you want it to be, but really, you're just kidding yourself in the end.

Friendship comes naturally, you either bond with someone, or you don't. That's why best friends are best friends, they know what to say to each other. They know when to be harsh and when to be sympathetic. Their the ones who you can get into a fight with, and make up with without having to say a word.

I'd like to believe in what I'm rambling about, and for the most part the friendships that I've had over the years have proven my theory to be right. Yet I still question this, because what about that one friend who you told everything too? The one who you spent hours on the phone with every night just talking about stuff? Like just stuff...anything and everything? What happens when you fall apart from them and you can't seem to find your way back? How does that happen? You have this bond with someone for over 5 years, then it feels like they've disappeared. But they haven't gone anywhere, they're right where they always were, you just can't bring yourself to say what you need to say to them. Does this void the whole friendship theory? Or is it just an exception? Can you try to make the friendship come back? If you put effort will it be the way it was before? Or is what you once had gone forever?

How often do we let that one special person go? People around you have these ideas of what the two of you are. Some people try and break that apart, and even succeed. Then their the ones who give advice on how to fix things, but hell, if it were so easy don't they think it would have been done already? I'm holding back on saying what needs to be said, because I'm terrified of trying. I don't want to try, I want it to be there. I want to just be able to say "hey, long time", and have everything be alright again.


You can speak over and over again, but you'll never be heard until someone listens.

Untitled.

"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together"
-Marilyn Monroe

Reposted quote? I'm not sure, but I'm not in the mood to care =)

Jesus Christ. I fell in love with my driving instructor. I don't get it, was I this in love with him when I did the in class shit? WAS I?? Ugh no, I don't think so. I wasn't THIS crazy. I had a small simple crush, but hell, after my first lesson with him, he was ALL that I thought about. So now, I want to key the bastards car. I mean, does he get a kick out of having girls fall for him then blowing them off? Does he enjoy giving false hopes? I think he does! I should have known better. When I read his facebook profile and it said that he was in a relationship, but under religious belief it said "I'm single", I should have taken that as a red code. It was the total "OH NO!! BACK AWAY!!!" alarm, just screaming to me, but I failed to listen and jumped right into the fire. I could have done lesson with his mom, and quite possibly passed my G, but instead I chose to go with the "real loser" (words chosen by my mother after he missed out first lesson the first time around). Not only did I screw up that first time, but I went straight back into the second time.

Now here's what grinds my gear. Tuesday night, lets give the exact date. Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 between 8 and 9pm. I would have honestly considered that one of the best--actually, no, THE best night of my life. I felt like...me. We talked we shared things, and he made me feel all warm and bubbly despite it being fucking cold outside. But I don't think I felt like me, because when I'm with him, I try to be everything but me. Maybe that night I was more like myself, but not completely. Hell, I don't know. Anyways, Prince charming is a high-school drop out, who will most likely be doing that same job for the rest of his life. Unless by chance he turns into a star soccer player, which I highly doubt, but for the sake of being proven wrong, I won't totally dismiss yet. I don't understand how that night could have been so....touching and so connected that he could totally forget our lesson the next day...and the one the day after that... and then not even bother to call me for my test. Jerk? Yes. Jerk.

Then me being the stupid loser that I am, decides to stalk him. No, not my brightest moment, but it's what I do. I waited out there for TWO HOURS. Bored out of my mind, just waiting. Anyways when he finally SAW me, he drove right past me. Nice. Reallyyyyy nice. The thing is, how can I be mad at him when I set myself up for that? He's had his own life before me, he clearly has one after me. Hundreds of girls probably walked in and out of that driving school with the same crush that I've had. Maybe not as bad, but he's seen those puppy eyes before. In my head I made him out to be the one, which he isn't.

To make matters worse, I'm still sitting here imagining what my life could be like with him in it. I imagine it as if he's the perfect guy I picture in my head.

Another yr of misery

*sigh*
Yet another year of York and endless hours of boring brutality. This year, much like all the others, started off to a bad start. Not that I'm surprised. My webct still isn't up and running, I'm totally lost already as to what I'm suppose to do for most of my assignments and I have some of my books yet. Not that they're worth buying them. The work load for some of these courses are nothing less than ridiculous, so like, what the fucking hell am I paying 6,100 for?? I'm less than thrilled.

Things at work haven't lightened up much either. The wicked witch is back and she's still a bigger bitch than ever.

I think I need to continue this later :( damn class!

The Dark Knight: My Review

Why so serious? Because the Dark Knight was nothing less than amazing! It was written, directed and promoted beautifully. Despite the tragic death of Heath Ledger, the master minds did an excellent job of dropping teasers for this film. Of course Heaths death created much more buzz and influenced a lot of people to see it, however the movie it's self had a well respected calling. I must say, the choice of actors, the amount of emotion, action and humor was just right! The images, scenes and sound effect were real, intense and captivating!!!

I've never paid attention to Christian Bales work; I'm not even able to list past work that he's done. I guess it's fair to say that I've gone into this movie with an unbias opinion of him. My expect ions however were still high, after all, I've been anticipating this movie for about a year! Bale did not disappoint me! As Bruce Wayne, he perfectly produced that wealthy, arrogant playboy that DC comics intended him to be. He was slick, smooth and his witty charm made me melt! As the Dark Knight...WOW!! His deep, raspy voice reflected Batman's dark mood. With his face being covered, we had to depend on his body language and voice, and let me tell you, I got every word! The confusion, the betrayal, the lust for love and the passion for justice were so beautifully portrayed through his actions. There's no doubt about it, Bale put on that costume, and he BECAME the Dark Knight! I've seen mostly all the Batman movies, and I have to say, Bale is by far the best one to put on that suit! He took this role seriously and he performed it spectacularly!

Heath Ledger (RIP) is another star who I've never paid much attention too. I've only seen one of his other movies (10 things I hate about you) and I wasn't too impressed. I hate to say it, but I thought his role might be over exaggerated due to his death. I was proven wrong with a big slap on the face! His performance was spectacular! The way he smacked his lips and flipped his hair just made me want to jump into the movie! His voice, body language and plot was beyond amazing. His story line had so many twists and turns that there was never a dull moment in the film. While Batman and Harvey Dent/Two-Face were trying to figure him out, the audience was too! They gave us no real background on the Joker so the writers had a lot to play around with. I don't want to risk ruining the movie for anyone who hasn't yet seen it so I won't describe my favorite Joker moments in the film, however I will say that it involves a nurses uniform and school buses! I really do love his performance and along with Jim Carey as the Riddler (Batman Forever 1995) he's my favorite villain!

The love story of this film was your typical bitter-sweet charade that you'd expect from a super hero movie. Typical and obvious, but not disappointing! Again I won't risk giving anything away, but this plot shows what love will make you do. It will also show the great sacrifices that a hero would make. Maggie Gyllenhaal wasn't a favourite of mine, and she wouldn't have been a choice of mine for this movie, but again, I was wrong! She portrayed the past love interest of Bruce Wayne gracefully. Her emotions felt real and she had me convinced. Her relationship plot with Harvey Dent and her death scene was well written into the movie. It connected with the several other story lines that were happening. Aaron Eckhart's (Havey Dent/Two-Face) transition was brilliant. Watching him turn from a hero to dying an almost villain was captivating and moving to watch.Over all, this was a BRILLIANT film. It captured Batman; not the batman played by emotionless actors from the past batman movies, but the Batman and Bruce Wayne that DC comics created to inspire justice. This is by far one of my favorite movies, and I consider it to be the BEST Batman movie ever. I left that theater feeling inspired and loving our masked, spandex hero's more than ever.

"You either die the hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Hello betrayal, so we meet again. Is the grass greener on my side? It must be, you come here too often and stay for too long. I must say, you've over stayed your welcome. But really, why would I want to send away the one constant thing in my life that has an automatic replay function?

In all good time, so they say. Take it one day at a time, it will get easier. I should not scrutinize these very words because they're the same ones I've use upon others. I will however admit that it's a lie. Yes I've lied. If I had told you that it will get easier then I apologize, because the road to recovery is nothing by a broken roller coaster sending you on the most thrilling, frightening ride of your life. If you're lucky, you get off unharmed with no wounds. I have yet to meet this miracle.

Five months have passed. I'm ok, but I'm not great. I have moments where I pick up the wrong card in the game and I get sent back to Go. I move backwards in a sudden swing and I find myself where I was to start with. Then there are the day when I'm so close to Finish and winning the game, but I can never quite make it because there is always something holding me back.

I miss the innocent years where simple things were simple and had very little meaning. Take a road for instance. Your five year old self saw them all as the same, maybe one of two had Mac Donalds on them, but other than that, they were the same thing. The path that took you from one place to another.

Then you blow out your 16 candles. That road then becomes something with a name and many purposes. It's either the right road, or the wrong road. The road that will take you to somewhere you need to be, or want to be, or don't want to see at all. You have to worry about the stop signs, crossing signs and speeding signs. This is road is now a destination taking you somewhere, but you need to get there taking precaution. You're surrounded by other drivers and other people. You have rules to follow. To the over paranoid, this road could be the road that leads you to your end, because one false move can cause you too loose your life.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Reality.

And it sucks.

I've dreamt of having life simple. Not the dream of being rich and famous, but the dream of having everything already sorted out for you. The dream of not having to worry about your next move. The dream of where things can be left unsaid because they do not need to be said. But the truth is, I didn't say what I needed to say and he didn't say what he needed to say. Now we're here. I didn't take the steps that I should have taken, and I quite possibly missed out on my happily ever after.


My Road is, the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

RAWR

Another long, boring, dreadful, stressful, annoying, disappointing day at work! One of many from before, and one of many more to come! Joygasm! RAWR. I need to rant, and scream and slam my head against something hard. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY!

BITCHES. BITCHES. BITCHES.


WHORES WHORES WHORES.

Sweet nibblets!

Yes, I took my subject line from the Hannah Montana show. IT'S NOT MY FAULT BILLY RAY IS SO ADORABLE! Heh. I found myself being pathetic again. However, it's become such a constant theme in my life that I've just learned to accept it.

Soooo, about my job. In sum, let's just put it this way, I like the job. Actually, I really like the job. Now let me the define what I mean by job. I mean that I like doing the work. The work is easy, and appealing and I enjoy it. Although at times it can be overly busy, it is rather easy and it doesn't take long to get use to. So what am I always whining about? It's the people whom I don't like! They annoy me, and I don't feel as though I'm being treated fairly compared to the other girls. I also find it rather disgusting how someone who I've helped so brutally turned their back on me and can be so damn ungrateful. But what ever, that has moved on.

As aggravating as this job is, I owe it to myself to hold it off for a bit longer. The pay isn't good, and the people are even worse, but it is experience that I need. REALLY need. Also, finding a job and landing it on your own here in Toronto isn't exactly easy. You need to know someone or have at least three years of experience in the same field. It's only been a month so far, the least I could do for myself is hold it off for six months or so, or maybe even a year. After that maybe something else will come by. I'm hoping to get into a bank, but I doubt that will happen. OH WELL.

I should force my ass to bed and pray for some sleep. Early morning and a 6.5 hour shift. BLAH. I could blog about having a whole week of mom free zone, but really, theres nothing much to talk about. I've been bored and I've done nothing. It's pretty much the same thing with her being here. So honestly, I haven't noticed any difference. She'll be back before I know it. Shoot me.

I wish I had something brilliant to start this blog off with, or to end it with. But I don't. So if any one actually forced themselves to read this brutal shit... this is the least I can offer you.
Enjoy!

I'm always one to be easily intrigued by the humor of cheesy chick flicks. It's been months and I've need to cry for ever, but the tears just wouldn't seem to come. That was until I watched the sisterhood of traveling pants. Lame movie, not very realistic at all in terms of having real friends in the real world, but still however very touching.

I'm attempting to think of something witty to write about in my normal dry, sarcastic manner. But I'm at a loss of words. Also, I don't want to risk sounding any more repetitive like my last few blog entries which I dare not read.

Good riddance till a better story comes along.

Dear Disney: Pls stop producing rich whores

Miley Cyrus is a cute as a button. She's not very talented...but with help from fancy voice editing...she can produce a few good songs. And her annoying personality gives off the persona that she can act. I'm sure it's fun for Disney fans to watch her and Lily get themselves into the same repetitive shenanigans, and I even have to admit...some episodes are quite catchy.

BUT DAMN IT DISNEY....CAN YOU TONE IT DOWN JUST A BIT?????????

"You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe, every color

Pictures and autographs
You get your face in all the magazines"

So, these stars claim that they're encourage kids to be what ever they want to be, that they can be anything they put their mind too. Well, I think they should just cut the crap. With song lyrics like that do you really think kids are thinking about becoming doctors? Hannah Montana is fully glamorizing the famous life. It's all about being rich and famous. (I know this isn't the only show that does this...but I'm only using it as an example) I've listened to a few of this kids songs...most of them, like her show...is just about her bragging about her wonderful glamorous life. Normally I know I shouldn't be bothered by this, but when my younger sister thinks that in order to be something in this world you'll need a blond wig and shiny clothes...then I get concerned.

This Vanessa Hudgens chick takes nudes photos, and instead of Disney letting her go...they renew her contract???? For another 3 sequels of HSM (which SUCKS)?? Gotta love how they're teaching children about consequences for your actions.

I know the photo's of Miley that I posted aren't "that bad" or they aren't "as bad" as Vanessa hudgens, HOWEVER...they're still bad. I know that I wouldn't want my younger sister taking pictures like that. I understand that Miley Cyrus isn't the only 15 year old girl to take pictures like this. I've seen several like this on myspace. But if this kid is so on top of the world...shouldn't she be raised to have better judgment?

Maybe I'm old fashion. And maybe I'm over reacting, but I can't help it. I grew up watching shows like Fullhouse, family matters and the fresh prince...I think my generation of television got the upper hand compared to my sister. She's only 7, so I'm trying to protect her young mind as much as I can. I'm just amazed at how much money these kids make for being mindless, unoriginal and having poor judgment.

They aren't talented. They're sick capitalists.

There are some who become who they want to be, or who they're suppose to be just seconds before taking that last breathe. It's that moment of knowing that you'll never be able to say out loud the things you've always wanted to say to the important people in your life. That specific moment is when your whole life seems to flash by you, and you either feel joy or regret. There are also those who that encounter that brush of death, but some how, life finds a way to grab onto their hand and pull them back to reality. Some claim that an experience as such can change ones life. It can open windows that leads to making the right choices.

"Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice...It's the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what's right." Spider-man 3

Brilliant, inspiring words, but are they easier said than done? How can we stop ourselves from making a bad choice when we're so deeply embedded in our anger and rage? What do we require in order to pull us away from the darkness?

We'd all be in denial if we said we haven't done anything that we're not proud of. Let's face it, we've all said or done things that we regret or we make mistakes that could have been avoided. But how do we justify them? Or, how do we go about forgiving ourself and learn to accept that some things are out of our reach, therefore we cannot change them?

How do we know what the right thing is? Super hero's make it look easy, but what's the reality behind it? Clark Kent could kill Lex Luthor in the blink of an eye. Spider-man can rob banks and become an over-night billionaire. So what stops them? How is it so simple for fictional characters to want to use their power for good and not evil, yet we live in a reality where power corrupts and people get hurt?

I'm not scrutinizing humanity on the whole. There are great men who've walked before us and who walks among us. They've done great things, and they continue to do great things. They're the ordinary humans who save lives on a daily basis and put others before themselves.

That leaves me to wonder. Is there really evil in this world? Do the dictators who have many suffering below them want to be the way they are? What about me? What about my friends and my family? What about you? Or the strangers you encounter everyday? Do we all have a bit of Clark Kent hidden somewhere in us? What about the ones who takes the lives of others? Are they truly evil, or do they hope to one day be the person who many would admire?

I look at my own life and question some of the actions that I've made. I can't justify the bad choices, but I do wish I could go back in time and change the things that I've done. We all have our moments of inspiration where we want to do good in the world. So how is it that anger and rage can over power this?

Just a thought

"Lunch in a bowl: I don't love you." - Jonathan Safran Foer

Is it possible to love someone with out loving them? What I mean is, is it possible to still love someone who you've ended a relationship with and never want to see or hear from again? Is it possible to love and hate one person?

The truth is, as much as I would like to believe that I've moved on from him, and discarded him from the pages of my life; I haven't. If you read between the lines, he's there! I know it may seem like my world revolves around him from what I blog, but you have to bare with me and keep in mind that I only blog when I feel of rush of reminiscence coming over me. That and I have nothing else to write about other than Smallville.

Maybe it's because things ended so weirdly. Yes, I must admit I was first to erase him from my life, but he was not giving me much of a choice. I felt as though he was avoiding me, and that he just didn't want to speak to me. I couldn't keep in contact with him, because had I did, I would have never fell out of love with him. Hmm, I think I just answered my own question. I love him, but I'm not in love with him.

There's not much more that I can do other than sit here and wonder. In good time, if he allows me too, my relationship with him will be nothing more than a faint, distant memory; a beautiful one.

Forfeit

Chance, after chance. I gave them to you. Just when I thought I couldn't give you anymore, I laid out another one.

So why did you keep coming back if you had no intention of making things right? What kind of sick mind game did you hope to accomplish?

Consider me the rain on your parade. You failed miserably. What ever stunt you, or your evil sidekick were trying to pull, it did not work out. Perhaps you need new tactics? Or perhaps your partner is so immature beyond her age that she cannot simply go a full day without the slightest bit of drama in her life that she had to allow something as stupid as this to occur.

I don't blame her for being jealous. But I was not the venom in your relationship. You were. Your lack of being able to control your emotions, your selfishness and your pride screwed you over big time. You didn't win any battle, nor did she. All that happened was that you lost one of your best friends.

It must have torn you apart to noticed how easily I disregarded you. As though you were just trash. Well baby, you're nothing more than that to me now. I was willing and able to swallow my pride, but you had to meet me half way. You couldn't do that. Now it's over and done for.


Best of luck to you. (K)

Triplets- By Tom Robbins

I went to Satan’s house.
His mailbox was painted black.
A fleet of bone crushers
was parked in his driveway.
The thorns on his rosebushes
were longer than shivs.
And sixty-six roosters scratched
in his front yard, their spurs
smoldering like cheap cigars.

I went to Satan’s house.
It was supposed to be an Amway party.
I wanted a set of those
hard-as-hell steak knives.
The ones that can't tell the difference
between mama's sponge cake
and a block of rock cocaine.

I went to Satan’s house.
I felt a little out of place.
But Satan’s twin daughters soon put me at ease.
They tried on funny hats for me,
showed me jewels,
danced around my chair.
They read my fortune
in a bowl of ashes,
let me pet their Dobermans,
and watch while they rinsed out their pink under things.

I stopped by Satan’s house.
I just happened to be in the neighborhood.
Satan came downstairs in a raider’s jacket.
His aura was like burnt rubber,
but his grin could paint a sunrise
on a coal shed wall.
"I see you've met desire
and fulfillment," he said,
polishing his monocle with
a blood-flecked rag.

"Regret is in the kitchen making coffee."

Enlightened?

So I'm doing o.k? Who would have guessed! Of course I still have my moments of wonder. I still have no idea why he added me back on msn, but I can't bring myself to care about him! Cool! If only my studying and essaying attempts would go this easy!

Disappointment of the week: I thought there was going to be new Smallville! Unfortunately I'm going to have to wait until the 17th to see who's going to die. I'm guessing it's Lionel from the spoilers and promo caps. Oh I know I shouldn't have looked! But I couldn't resist! Besides, my home page is the Kryponsite, so how could I have possibly not seen it? This is going to be a crazy and disappointing week, not just because of Smallville, but because of all the exams. At least my essay is sort of coming together. I'd like it to come along a bit faster, but life isn't going to work that way for me. I should be terrified, but I'm so calm. I know I'm going to fail, BUT I'M SO CALM. Damnit Welling, you see what you're doing to me? Which reminds me, Tom Welling is currently at first place with 43% of the votes (90% of that which are mine) along with co star Erica Durance who is also at number one in her category with 43% of the votes! I'm so proud of them! (And me). Now to dominate the study world! Maybe this small Smallville break is what I need to get me back into the zone? (Pfft, yea right!)

Odd

Ever since I was small, being in my grandmothers house was normal for me. I was comfortable there. I spent a lot of time there. I was usually there during the day when my parents were at work, during summer vacation, march break and P.A days. Most days during the school year I would go to her house after school to grab something to eat. It was all familiar and comfortable to me. I never really gave it much thought, but after Grandpa passed away, I've been spending less and less time there. Now I only set foot in that house for Christmas, mothers day, or if she needs something. I don't know what it is, but the house now feels somewhat colder. I don't feel comfortable there, and I don't want to be there. It's not that I have anything against my grandmother, I just can't be in that house for too long! I don't think I'm scared of grandpa's ghost haunting it, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to be in that house alone! Something about it just doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe I'm scared, and paranoid. But I cannot say it logically how I feel as soon as I step into the basement of the house. So much has changed within my family since I was a kid. It's hard to believe that I once grew up and lived happily there. Most of my faintest memories are good, fun and delightful. But they date way back. I think the last few good memories that I've had from that house go back to grade four or five. Ever since then everything has been a blur. I don't know what I can do in order to get that feeling of comfort back, and to be honest, I don't think I care enough to try. Of course I miss those good times, but sadly things will never go back to the way they were. I've grown, my family and has grown, and we've all lost many ties within one another.

Monday Morning Blues

But I'm feeling seriously green. I envy people who can get up and find energy to survive a cold Monday morning right after loosing an hour of sleep due to the time change. Who the hell really cares about day light anyways? I prefer my hour of sleep! SLEEP! I'm either getting too much or too little of it. I don't know any more. My body is loosing grip with my mental state. I don't know what it is! I'm not healthy. I hate people who can make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle and stick to it. I have no motivation or will power! I'm tired of school and I'm tired of listening to people complain. In all honesty, I don't care about one or anything but Smallville! Speaking of which, they started filming episode 16 of this season today, and it's about time! I've been so worried about the show lately, the good news is that there will be no Lana Lang for season eight, but there will also be no Lex. No more Michael Rosenbaum. I adore him, but at least more focus will be on my Tom Welling. *Smiles*
This month is so brutally painful and slow. So far I'm finished 2 out of my 5 essays. 3 more to go! Then I have to study for a make up nats sci test this Wednesday, read an over due book for a book report due next Wednesday. Finish my essays for April 1st, and study for my mid term on April 1. Oh and great, I just remembered that I have tests on the 31st as well. See what I mean by brutal? On top of all of this fun stuff, I'm still also suffering the loss of him. I miss him sometimes. It's those stupid, funny conversations that I miss the most. The ones the brighten my day. So as you can guess, asides from the days that Smallville is on, my days are pretty damn dull!
So the Monday blues continue. I'm sitting here waiting for my class to start. I haven't done much, or any of the readings for this class. In all honestly, I'm disgusted with this course as well as the others. Really sweet T.A though. He just walked in so I thought I'd mention that :)

Mistakes and Lessons

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. --John Powell

We live, we learn. We make mistakes and we learn from them. We strive to not repeat these mistakes. I'm guilty of re-offending.
I do not know what it is about him that first attracted me. He was a jerk. Quiet possibly I like jerks? Or maybe it was his sudden thirst for me, that something that made him attracted to me. I don't know. I care not to know. What I would like to know is where it all went wrong. I can blame him, and I can blame myself. But what is all this blame doing for me? I'm still sitting here clueless. My actions are unjustifiable, my mind is weary and my soul is aching. I've placed so much of my trust in him, that I've forgotten how to trust myself.

Politics Eh?

Once again, people never do seize to amaze me. Here we are in the 2000's and politics has been turned into a joke rather than improving. Maybe I'm not one to comment on this since I've only been around for the last 20 years and I've only been paying attention to politics for the last 5, but hell... it doesn't take rocket science to know that we're living in a Russell Peters act. Before I begin my deathly rant on Ontario's government head, Dalton McGuinty, I think it's only fair that I take a stab at the Americans. After all, it easy to blame them for everything.

I hope to God Americans know that they're attending a circus when they go to cast their vote. This election has nothing to do with "bettering America", it's all about testing the moral grounds of Americans! This whole election is Feminism vs. Blacks. It's about Hilary Clinton, first female president, or Obama, first African American president. Just for the hell of it, they threw in the the stand white, blue eyed male (don't quote me on the eye colour). But really! Are you kidding me? This is what they're basing America's future on? If they want to make a mockery of the citizens....then why not just keep Bush?! Of course we have Oprah and the rest of the black community voting for Obama. It makes sense, but really, what will that do for the whole of America. And then the feminists...or more over the lesbians will be head on for Hilary. Sadly, after listening to campaign debates, I still support the white male. If you may, call me assimilated to the standards set by white dominance. Call me old fashion and disgraceful for not supporting diversity in the political world. But I stand strong when I say that he is the only one running for the right reasons. To win to lead, not to win to be the "first" in America.

So who will it be in the white house America? The first black male....or the first female?

I know very little about what I'm rambling about, so I'll just shut up about America on the whole.

Now to bash our fellow Ontarian leader. Let me start by saying 'douche bag'. Child poverty rates in Ontario have increased by 2.3%. Yes he said that they're taking into consideration raising the minimum wage to $10 in 2010...but what about the children who are starving now? It just baffles my mind how one man so stupidly bases his whole election upon children in public schools, when he doesn't give two shits (or even one) about them in reality! Education is important as he claims. So the children living in poverty now, how exactly does he expect them to make it to University? He took off the tuition fee, students are suffering badly for it. Idiot, Idiot, IDIOT! Call me a hippie, but why ban pit bulls? The system of law in Ontario sits on its ass while they're are numerous murders, rapes and crimes sky rocketing through out the province, yet they have the audacity to ban a breed of dogs who don't know any better?

http://www.campaign2000.ca/rc/pdf/OntarioReportCard2006.pdf

http://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/about/pubs/dola-pubsfty/dola-pubsfty.asp#TOC_11

Now let me bring in the love of my life. Smallville. Oh yes, but another reason why I love it. Politics has fair game in the state of Kansas. Well at least in Smallville's version of Kansas. The evil Lex Luthor who has wealth and power at the palm of his hands runs against the noble farmer who doesn't have much but his hay stacks and his family. In our society, the evil villain would win. He'd use his money and power to manipulate votes. He'd run for the position, but not for the better of the people, only for his own selfishness. But not in Smallville. In Smallville the farmer won. He took upon himself the worries and troubles of the people with every intention to help them.

Let's face it. Morality is not abundant in the world of politics. At least not on this planet...

He's Holding On My Heart Like a Hand Grenade

And I'm letting him! I'm one of those girl who I make fun of. The love sick ones, the ones who let a man define them. I don't think I'm letting him define me, but rather, I want to be what he wants me to be. Or I'd just hope that he'd see me for who I am. Now I'm talking in a fucking riddle!!! If you don't understand what the hell I'm rambling about, it's ok. Neither do I!!! I don't know how I let playful summer love result to this. We were just friends, really good friends, and I allowed myself to fall in love with him. But he made it easy. He has a girl friend, but the late night calls, the flirting...how could I not fall down so fast? I don't know who I'm trying to fool. It can never be. *sigh* All I can do is try to get over him. It won't be easy, and I've already failed so many times. But what choice do I have but to try again.
It's my own fault that it won't work. I'm too insecure with myself, and for that, I refused to spend time with him one on one. One on one time that we desperately needed. I keep saying that I need to get myself together, but how can I?
And then I look at the way he treats me sometimes. It's awful. It's like he thinks of me as his bitch. Someone who he can call when he can't find anyone else to tag along with him. Or someone who will spoil his ass rotten. I don't play like that. I refuse to act like how his gf does. I will not let him treat me like crap and get away with it. That'll be to easy for him. I keep saying that I need time for me, time to figure myself out...but how much time exactly? And all this time is clearly not getting me anywhere. Ugh.
The events in my life lead me to ask myself "Does believing in karma actually make it come true?" Well I surely hope not, because my karma is ultimately bad! It seems as though certain people are out to get me, and not knowing their intentions makes it hard to prepare myself for the worst. I hate being so defensive, but it's my job to protect my life and the things in it that are important to me.
Even with my birthday coming up, I feel that I have very little to look forward too. Smallville's episode that week will be simply amazing and thrilling...but my actual birthday? I don't know where I'm going with that. Maybe the usual...friends and dinner. What I hate is that I'll have to get drunk. I don't know why, but I always feel alone in groups of people, and I never really feel comfortable in my own skin until I take at least one drink. Poison for the system goes a long way in terms of a comfort zone. I can't even find anything decent to wear! I might as well just go in jeans and a sweater. Maybe I should just skip turning 20 this year? I WISH!!! I hate birthdays. I'm just at a point where I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or where I'm going with my life. Everything seems pointless. And no, this has nothing to do with him. Rather it's me and my insecurities which complies upon each other.

“Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle.” And I'm begging life to stop doing this.