Pondering 2oo8

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Fixed, boring, dead conversations. Really, I hear the crickets chirping under the ground, under the 20 centimeters of snow.

Same thing, same questions. Their either lifeless and humorless, or just really disgusting.

It's not that I don't know what a good conversation is, because I do. I use to have them, but they seem so long ago. So long ago that I can't even remember what the hell they were about. However, I do remember that I enjoyed them, and that I miss them.

You can try so hard to keep a balance of liveliness and humor. You can put all this effort into keeping the other person captivated. That's where the problem is; when you have to try, it isn't there.

If there's one thing I've learned over the course of 2008, it's that you can't force friendship, and you can't force something that isn't there. You can lie to yourself and pretend that things are the way you want it to be, but really, you're just kidding yourself in the end.

Friendship comes naturally, you either bond with someone, or you don't. That's why best friends are best friends, they know what to say to each other. They know when to be harsh and when to be sympathetic. Their the ones who you can get into a fight with, and make up with without having to say a word.

I'd like to believe in what I'm rambling about, and for the most part the friendships that I've had over the years have proven my theory to be right. Yet I still question this, because what about that one friend who you told everything too? The one who you spent hours on the phone with every night just talking about stuff? Like just stuff...anything and everything? What happens when you fall apart from them and you can't seem to find your way back? How does that happen? You have this bond with someone for over 5 years, then it feels like they've disappeared. But they haven't gone anywhere, they're right where they always were, you just can't bring yourself to say what you need to say to them. Does this void the whole friendship theory? Or is it just an exception? Can you try to make the friendship come back? If you put effort will it be the way it was before? Or is what you once had gone forever?

How often do we let that one special person go? People around you have these ideas of what the two of you are. Some people try and break that apart, and even succeed. Then their the ones who give advice on how to fix things, but hell, if it were so easy don't they think it would have been done already? I'm holding back on saying what needs to be said, because I'm terrified of trying. I don't want to try, I want it to be there. I want to just be able to say "hey, long time", and have everything be alright again.


You can speak over and over again, but you'll never be heard until someone listens.

Untitled.

"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together"
-Marilyn Monroe

Reposted quote? I'm not sure, but I'm not in the mood to care =)

Jesus Christ. I fell in love with my driving instructor. I don't get it, was I this in love with him when I did the in class shit? WAS I?? Ugh no, I don't think so. I wasn't THIS crazy. I had a small simple crush, but hell, after my first lesson with him, he was ALL that I thought about. So now, I want to key the bastards car. I mean, does he get a kick out of having girls fall for him then blowing them off? Does he enjoy giving false hopes? I think he does! I should have known better. When I read his facebook profile and it said that he was in a relationship, but under religious belief it said "I'm single", I should have taken that as a red code. It was the total "OH NO!! BACK AWAY!!!" alarm, just screaming to me, but I failed to listen and jumped right into the fire. I could have done lesson with his mom, and quite possibly passed my G, but instead I chose to go with the "real loser" (words chosen by my mother after he missed out first lesson the first time around). Not only did I screw up that first time, but I went straight back into the second time.

Now here's what grinds my gear. Tuesday night, lets give the exact date. Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 between 8 and 9pm. I would have honestly considered that one of the best--actually, no, THE best night of my life. I felt like...me. We talked we shared things, and he made me feel all warm and bubbly despite it being fucking cold outside. But I don't think I felt like me, because when I'm with him, I try to be everything but me. Maybe that night I was more like myself, but not completely. Hell, I don't know. Anyways, Prince charming is a high-school drop out, who will most likely be doing that same job for the rest of his life. Unless by chance he turns into a star soccer player, which I highly doubt, but for the sake of being proven wrong, I won't totally dismiss yet. I don't understand how that night could have been so....touching and so connected that he could totally forget our lesson the next day...and the one the day after that... and then not even bother to call me for my test. Jerk? Yes. Jerk.

Then me being the stupid loser that I am, decides to stalk him. No, not my brightest moment, but it's what I do. I waited out there for TWO HOURS. Bored out of my mind, just waiting. Anyways when he finally SAW me, he drove right past me. Nice. Reallyyyyy nice. The thing is, how can I be mad at him when I set myself up for that? He's had his own life before me, he clearly has one after me. Hundreds of girls probably walked in and out of that driving school with the same crush that I've had. Maybe not as bad, but he's seen those puppy eyes before. In my head I made him out to be the one, which he isn't.

To make matters worse, I'm still sitting here imagining what my life could be like with him in it. I imagine it as if he's the perfect guy I picture in my head.

Another yr of misery

*sigh*
Yet another year of York and endless hours of boring brutality. This year, much like all the others, started off to a bad start. Not that I'm surprised. My webct still isn't up and running, I'm totally lost already as to what I'm suppose to do for most of my assignments and I have some of my books yet. Not that they're worth buying them. The work load for some of these courses are nothing less than ridiculous, so like, what the fucking hell am I paying 6,100 for?? I'm less than thrilled.

Things at work haven't lightened up much either. The wicked witch is back and she's still a bigger bitch than ever.

I think I need to continue this later :( damn class!

The Dark Knight: My Review

Why so serious? Because the Dark Knight was nothing less than amazing! It was written, directed and promoted beautifully. Despite the tragic death of Heath Ledger, the master minds did an excellent job of dropping teasers for this film. Of course Heaths death created much more buzz and influenced a lot of people to see it, however the movie it's self had a well respected calling. I must say, the choice of actors, the amount of emotion, action and humor was just right! The images, scenes and sound effect were real, intense and captivating!!!

I've never paid attention to Christian Bales work; I'm not even able to list past work that he's done. I guess it's fair to say that I've gone into this movie with an unbias opinion of him. My expect ions however were still high, after all, I've been anticipating this movie for about a year! Bale did not disappoint me! As Bruce Wayne, he perfectly produced that wealthy, arrogant playboy that DC comics intended him to be. He was slick, smooth and his witty charm made me melt! As the Dark Knight...WOW!! His deep, raspy voice reflected Batman's dark mood. With his face being covered, we had to depend on his body language and voice, and let me tell you, I got every word! The confusion, the betrayal, the lust for love and the passion for justice were so beautifully portrayed through his actions. There's no doubt about it, Bale put on that costume, and he BECAME the Dark Knight! I've seen mostly all the Batman movies, and I have to say, Bale is by far the best one to put on that suit! He took this role seriously and he performed it spectacularly!

Heath Ledger (RIP) is another star who I've never paid much attention too. I've only seen one of his other movies (10 things I hate about you) and I wasn't too impressed. I hate to say it, but I thought his role might be over exaggerated due to his death. I was proven wrong with a big slap on the face! His performance was spectacular! The way he smacked his lips and flipped his hair just made me want to jump into the movie! His voice, body language and plot was beyond amazing. His story line had so many twists and turns that there was never a dull moment in the film. While Batman and Harvey Dent/Two-Face were trying to figure him out, the audience was too! They gave us no real background on the Joker so the writers had a lot to play around with. I don't want to risk ruining the movie for anyone who hasn't yet seen it so I won't describe my favorite Joker moments in the film, however I will say that it involves a nurses uniform and school buses! I really do love his performance and along with Jim Carey as the Riddler (Batman Forever 1995) he's my favorite villain!

The love story of this film was your typical bitter-sweet charade that you'd expect from a super hero movie. Typical and obvious, but not disappointing! Again I won't risk giving anything away, but this plot shows what love will make you do. It will also show the great sacrifices that a hero would make. Maggie Gyllenhaal wasn't a favourite of mine, and she wouldn't have been a choice of mine for this movie, but again, I was wrong! She portrayed the past love interest of Bruce Wayne gracefully. Her emotions felt real and she had me convinced. Her relationship plot with Harvey Dent and her death scene was well written into the movie. It connected with the several other story lines that were happening. Aaron Eckhart's (Havey Dent/Two-Face) transition was brilliant. Watching him turn from a hero to dying an almost villain was captivating and moving to watch.Over all, this was a BRILLIANT film. It captured Batman; not the batman played by emotionless actors from the past batman movies, but the Batman and Bruce Wayne that DC comics created to inspire justice. This is by far one of my favorite movies, and I consider it to be the BEST Batman movie ever. I left that theater feeling inspired and loving our masked, spandex hero's more than ever.

"You either die the hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Hello betrayal, so we meet again. Is the grass greener on my side? It must be, you come here too often and stay for too long. I must say, you've over stayed your welcome. But really, why would I want to send away the one constant thing in my life that has an automatic replay function?

In all good time, so they say. Take it one day at a time, it will get easier. I should not scrutinize these very words because they're the same ones I've use upon others. I will however admit that it's a lie. Yes I've lied. If I had told you that it will get easier then I apologize, because the road to recovery is nothing by a broken roller coaster sending you on the most thrilling, frightening ride of your life. If you're lucky, you get off unharmed with no wounds. I have yet to meet this miracle.

Five months have passed. I'm ok, but I'm not great. I have moments where I pick up the wrong card in the game and I get sent back to Go. I move backwards in a sudden swing and I find myself where I was to start with. Then there are the day when I'm so close to Finish and winning the game, but I can never quite make it because there is always something holding me back.

I miss the innocent years where simple things were simple and had very little meaning. Take a road for instance. Your five year old self saw them all as the same, maybe one of two had Mac Donalds on them, but other than that, they were the same thing. The path that took you from one place to another.

Then you blow out your 16 candles. That road then becomes something with a name and many purposes. It's either the right road, or the wrong road. The road that will take you to somewhere you need to be, or want to be, or don't want to see at all. You have to worry about the stop signs, crossing signs and speeding signs. This is road is now a destination taking you somewhere, but you need to get there taking precaution. You're surrounded by other drivers and other people. You have rules to follow. To the over paranoid, this road could be the road that leads you to your end, because one false move can cause you too loose your life.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Reality.

And it sucks.

I've dreamt of having life simple. Not the dream of being rich and famous, but the dream of having everything already sorted out for you. The dream of not having to worry about your next move. The dream of where things can be left unsaid because they do not need to be said. But the truth is, I didn't say what I needed to say and he didn't say what he needed to say. Now we're here. I didn't take the steps that I should have taken, and I quite possibly missed out on my happily ever after.


My Road is, the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

RAWR

Another long, boring, dreadful, stressful, annoying, disappointing day at work! One of many from before, and one of many more to come! Joygasm! RAWR. I need to rant, and scream and slam my head against something hard. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY!

BITCHES. BITCHES. BITCHES.


WHORES WHORES WHORES.

Sweet nibblets!

Yes, I took my subject line from the Hannah Montana show. IT'S NOT MY FAULT BILLY RAY IS SO ADORABLE! Heh. I found myself being pathetic again. However, it's become such a constant theme in my life that I've just learned to accept it.

Soooo, about my job. In sum, let's just put it this way, I like the job. Actually, I really like the job. Now let me the define what I mean by job. I mean that I like doing the work. The work is easy, and appealing and I enjoy it. Although at times it can be overly busy, it is rather easy and it doesn't take long to get use to. So what am I always whining about? It's the people whom I don't like! They annoy me, and I don't feel as though I'm being treated fairly compared to the other girls. I also find it rather disgusting how someone who I've helped so brutally turned their back on me and can be so damn ungrateful. But what ever, that has moved on.

As aggravating as this job is, I owe it to myself to hold it off for a bit longer. The pay isn't good, and the people are even worse, but it is experience that I need. REALLY need. Also, finding a job and landing it on your own here in Toronto isn't exactly easy. You need to know someone or have at least three years of experience in the same field. It's only been a month so far, the least I could do for myself is hold it off for six months or so, or maybe even a year. After that maybe something else will come by. I'm hoping to get into a bank, but I doubt that will happen. OH WELL.

I should force my ass to bed and pray for some sleep. Early morning and a 6.5 hour shift. BLAH. I could blog about having a whole week of mom free zone, but really, theres nothing much to talk about. I've been bored and I've done nothing. It's pretty much the same thing with her being here. So honestly, I haven't noticed any difference. She'll be back before I know it. Shoot me.

I wish I had something brilliant to start this blog off with, or to end it with. But I don't. So if any one actually forced themselves to read this brutal shit... this is the least I can offer you.
Enjoy!