So I'm doing o.k? Who would have guessed! Of course I still have my moments of wonder. I still have no idea why he added me back on msn, but I can't bring myself to care about him! Cool! If only my studying and essaying attempts would go this easy!
Disappointment of the week: I thought there was going to be new Smallville! Unfortunately I'm going to have to wait until the 17th to see who's going to die. I'm guessing it's Lionel from the spoilers and promo caps. Oh I know I shouldn't have looked! But I couldn't resist! Besides, my home page is the Kryponsite, so how could I have possibly not seen it? This is going to be a crazy and disappointing week, not just because of Smallville, but because of all the exams. At least my essay is sort of coming together. I'd like it to come along a bit faster, but life isn't going to work that way for me. I should be terrified, but I'm so calm. I know I'm going to fail, BUT I'M SO CALM. Damnit Welling, you see what you're doing to me? Which reminds me, Tom Welling is currently at first place with 43% of the votes (90% of that which are mine) along with co star Erica Durance who is also at number one in her category with 43% of the votes! I'm so proud of them! (And me). Now to dominate the study world! Maybe this small Smallville break is what I need to get me back into the zone? (Pfft, yea right!)
Ever since I was small, being in my grandmothers house was normal for me. I was comfortable there. I spent a lot of time there. I was usually there during the day when my parents were at work, during summer vacation, march break and P.A days. Most days during the school year I would go to her house after school to grab something to eat. It was all familiar and comfortable to me. I never really gave it much thought, but after Grandpa passed away, I've been spending less and less time there. Now I only set foot in that house for Christmas, mothers day, or if she needs something. I don't know what it is, but the house now feels somewhat colder. I don't feel comfortable there, and I don't want to be there. It's not that I have anything against my grandmother, I just can't be in that house for too long! I don't think I'm scared of grandpa's ghost haunting it, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to be in that house alone! Something about it just doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe I'm scared, and paranoid. But I cannot say it logically how I feel as soon as I step into the basement of the house. So much has changed within my family since I was a kid. It's hard to believe that I once grew up and lived happily there. Most of my faintest memories are good, fun and delightful. But they date way back. I think the last few good memories that I've had from that house go back to grade four or five. Ever since then everything has been a blur. I don't know what I can do in order to get that feeling of comfort back, and to be honest, I don't think I care enough to try. Of course I miss those good times, but sadly things will never go back to the way they were. I've grown, my family and has grown, and we've all lost many ties within one another.
But I'm feeling seriously green. I envy people who can get up and find energy to survive a cold Monday morning right after loosing an hour of sleep due to the time change. Who the hell really cares about day light anyways? I prefer my hour of sleep! SLEEP! I'm either getting too much or too little of it. I don't know any more. My body is loosing grip with my mental state. I don't know what it is! I'm not healthy. I hate people who can make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle and stick to it. I have no motivation or will power! I'm tired of school and I'm tired of listening to people complain. In all honesty, I don't care about one or anything but Smallville! Speaking of which, they started filming episode 16 of this season today, and it's about time! I've been so worried about the show lately, the good news is that there will be no Lana Lang for season eight, but there will also be no Lex. No more Michael Rosenbaum. I adore him, but at least more focus will be on my Tom Welling. *Smiles* This month is so brutally painful and slow. So far I'm finished 2 out of my 5 essays. 3 more to go! Then I have to study for a make up nats sci test this Wednesday, read an over due book for a book report due next Wednesday. Finish my essays for April 1st, and study for my mid term on April 1. Oh and great, I just remembered that I have tests on the 31st as well. See what I mean by brutal? On top of all of this fun stuff, I'm still also suffering the loss of him. I miss him sometimes. It's those stupid, funny conversations that I miss the most. The ones the brighten my day. So as you can guess, asides from the days that Smallville is on, my days are pretty damn dull! So the Monday blues continue. I'm sitting here waiting for my class to start. I haven't done much, or any of the readings for this class. In all honestly, I'm disgusted with this course as well as the others. Really sweet T.A though. He just walked in so I thought I'd mention that :)
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. --John Powell
We live, we learn. We make mistakes and we learn from them. We strive to not repeat these mistakes. I'm guilty of re-offending. I do not know what it is about him that first attracted me. He was a jerk. Quiet possibly I like jerks? Or maybe it was his sudden thirst for me, that something that made him attracted to me. I don't know. I care not to know. What I would like to know is where it all went wrong. I can blame him, and I can blame myself. But what is all this blame doing for me? I'm still sitting here clueless. My actions are unjustifiable, my mind is weary and my soul is aching. I've placed so much of my trust in him, that I've forgotten how to trust myself.
Once again, people never do seize to amaze me. Here we are in the 2000's and politics has been turned into a joke rather than improving. Maybe I'm not one to comment on this since I've only been around for the last 20 years and I've only been paying attention to politics for the last 5, but hell... it doesn't take rocket science to know that we're living in a Russell Peters act. Before I begin my deathly rant on Ontario's government head, Dalton McGuinty, I think it's only fair that I take a stab at the Americans. After all, it easy to blame them for everything.
I hope to God Americans know that they're attending a circus when they go to cast their vote. This election has nothing to do with "bettering America", it's all about testing the moral grounds of Americans! This whole election is Feminism vs. Blacks. It's about Hilary Clinton, first female president, or Obama, first African American president. Just for the hell of it, they threw in the the stand white, blue eyed male (don't quote me on the eye colour). But really! Are you kidding me? This is what they're basing America's future on? If they want to make a mockery of the citizens....then why not just keep Bush?! Of course we have Oprah and the rest of the black community voting for Obama. It makes sense, but really, what will that do for the whole of America. And then the feminists...or more over the lesbians will be head on for Hilary. Sadly, after listening to campaign debates, I still support the white male. If you may, call me assimilated to the standards set by white dominance. Call me old fashion and disgraceful for not supporting diversity in the political world. But I stand strong when I say that he is the only one running for the right reasons. To win to lead, not to win to be the "first" in America.
So who will it be in the white house America? The first black male....or the first female?
I know very little about what I'm rambling about, so I'll just shut up about America on the whole.
Now to bash our fellow Ontarian leader. Let me start by saying 'douche bag'. Child poverty rates in Ontario have increased by 2.3%. Yes he said that they're taking into consideration raising the minimum wage to $10 in 2010...but what about the children who are starving now? It just baffles my mind how one man so stupidly bases his whole election upon children in public schools, when he doesn't give two shits (or even one) about them in reality! Education is important as he claims. So the children living in poverty now, how exactly does he expect them to make it to University? He took off the tuition fee, students are suffering badly for it. Idiot, Idiot, IDIOT! Call me a hippie, but why ban pit bulls? The system of law in Ontario sits on its ass while they're are numerous murders, rapes and crimes sky rocketing through out the province, yet they have the audacity to ban a breed of dogs who don't know any better?
Now let me bring in the love of my life. Smallville. Oh yes, but another reason why I love it. Politics has fair game in the state of Kansas. Well at least in Smallville's version of Kansas. The evil Lex Luthor who has wealth and power at the palm of his hands runs against the noble farmer who doesn't have much but his hay stacks and his family. In our society, the evil villain would win. He'd use his money and power to manipulate votes. He'd run for the position, but not for the better of the people, only for his own selfishness. But not in Smallville. In Smallville the farmer won. He took upon himself the worries and troubles of the people with every intention to help them.
Let's face it. Morality is not abundant in the world of politics. At least not on this planet...
And I'm letting him! I'm one of those girl who I make fun of. The love sick ones, the ones who let a man define them. I don't think I'm letting him define me, but rather, I want to be what he wants me to be. Or I'd just hope that he'd see me for who I am. Now I'm talking in a fucking riddle!!! If you don't understand what the hell I'm rambling about, it's ok. Neither do I!!! I don't know how I let playful summer love result to this. We were just friends, really good friends, and I allowed myself to fall in love with him. But he made it easy. He has a girl friend, but the late night calls, the flirting...how could I not fall down so fast? I don't know who I'm trying to fool. It can never be. *sigh* All I can do is try to get over him. It won't be easy, and I've already failed so many times. But what choice do I have but to try again. It's my own fault that it won't work. I'm too insecure with myself, and for that, I refused to spend time with him one on one. One on one time that we desperately needed. I keep saying that I need to get myself together, but how can I? And then I look at the way he treats me sometimes. It's awful. It's like he thinks of me as his bitch. Someone who he can call when he can't find anyone else to tag along with him. Or someone who will spoil his ass rotten. I don't play like that. I refuse to act like how his gf does. I will not let him treat me like crap and get away with it. That'll be to easy for him. I keep saying that I need time for me, time to figure myself out...but how much time exactly? And all this time is clearly not getting me anywhere. Ugh. The events in my life lead me to ask myself "Does believing in karma actually make it come true?" Well I surely hope not, because my karma is ultimately bad! It seems as though certain people are out to get me, and not knowing their intentions makes it hard to prepare myself for the worst. I hate being so defensive, but it's my job to protect my life and the things in it that are important to me. Even with my birthday coming up, I feel that I have very little to look forward too. Smallville's episode that week will be simply amazing and thrilling...but my actual birthday? I don't know where I'm going with that. Maybe the usual...friends and dinner. What I hate is that I'll have to get drunk. I don't know why, but I always feel alone in groups of people, and I never really feel comfortable in my own skin until I take at least one drink. Poison for the system goes a long way in terms of a comfort zone. I can't even find anything decent to wear! I might as well just go in jeans and a sweater. Maybe I should just skip turning 20 this year? I WISH!!! I hate birthdays. I'm just at a point where I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or where I'm going with my life. Everything seems pointless. And no, this has nothing to do with him. Rather it's me and my insecurities which complies upon each other.
“Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle.” And I'm begging life to stop doing this.
This is going to be one those blogs where I have nothing to blog about but I'll pretend that I do when really all I'm doing is ranting about random stupid shit that magically pops into my head as I sit here and bang away at my keyboard. But wait? Isn't that what a blog is for? I think I found the light. This is why I love blogging, it's like a normal form of talking to yourself. You can't talk on the train or the bus, because the people beside you would be like "damn, what's she smoking? how many times did her parents drop her on the head". Heh. If only they knew. Omgravy! I'm soo totally in love with the O.C now! Not as in love like Smallville in love, but in love. It's such a cute show...Ben McKenzie.. RAWR!! And I've come to a conclusion about my hair... I'm dying over it! The orangeness is making me sick. I look like a Christmas tree topping. Which reminds me, Christmas is OVER!!! WOOHOO!!!! No more bright lights and nasty tree's at the malls... well not until next year. This was a painful Xmas, long and boring and dreadful, but what's even worse... the thought of going back to York. I have to do the stupid group project with those stupid bitchy white bitches who I hate, and I might have to take the ttc! EW! I don't know why I bother to lie to myself anymore. I really don't. I keep telling myself that I'll catch up on my reading during the break or try and figure out what I'm doing with my life, but I never do. I just sit here and blog. Hah. I miss Smallville so much! I just sit here and wonder what will happen next. Yes yes, I know I said Tom Welling needs a break...BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. My poor baby, I was watching this backstage pass thing on youtube about Smallville, there's like 10 days of filming...and Tom needs to be there 9/10 of them! The other cast members are only there for like 4-5/10. He's a hard working man. And a damn good looking one too. *sigh*
