WHY is it that I always tend to feel sick on the longest days. WHY can't I force myself to pay attention to what the T.A is saying. WHY do I feel depressed every other day? I'am going crazy. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY???

Some girls fall inlove to easily.... and I'm one of them. WHY HIM????



FUCKERY.

It's been like a month since I've talked to him. There's something going on with this family that they're not telling me about and honestly, it's driving me crazy. It seems like everything is sending me over the wall. I hate the people who I see here at york. I think I've seen her. I don't want to see her. But I think I have. I guess I can sit here and hope that it wasn't her? She's just a reminder of what I don't and can't have. I hate my classes, I hate my profs, I hate my T.A's and I hate this school. I can't bring myself to like or enjoy. I know way too many people here. I just wanna get out and move far away to a place where I don't know anyone. I should have just applied to some school in Vancouver. You know your life is pathetic when you count down the days for a T.V show to start a new season. I thought I could handle all these breaks and long hours are york. But the truth is, it's whats killing me. I have way too much time to think about things. I just sit here and think about him. I tried to not think about him and focus my attention on other things. But what else is there to think about? My education? heh. That's just a bloody joke. I don't know what I'm suppose to be learning or what the point of learning it is. All I know is that I hate this atmosphere. Its too big, too rushed, too crowded. I hate having to watch to make sure I don't walk into anyone every time I turn a corner. I hate walking from building to building just to get to a class that I know will bore the crap outta me.
Another Tamil kid got killed at Churchill yesterday. Typical. Do I feel sorry for him? No. I can't. I don't know the guy, but I can tell that he was a moron and got caught up in the wrong crowd. Good. This is why I don't blame the government for not properly funding public schools. What's the point? There will always be those outside gangs and the inside wannabes. There's no escaping from the loser thug nuggets. So why even bother preaching to them.
What else is there? I should start reading the crap that I need to for my classes. But whats the point? This place is driving me insane. I just want to go home, crawl in my bed and never get out.

Was I an idiot for thinkng that I could last threw a 3 hour break? Yes. I'm bored outta my fucking mind.

Fudge.

I can take you away from here.


All you wanted was somebody who cares.

Catastrophe

"Im selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best" -Marilyn Monroe

I wish I could blog my anxiety away, but my attempts are vain.

They told me that the chances of running into the people who I don't get along with are slim. Yet, I ran into each and everyone of them. Nothing has changed about York, if anything, it's gotten worse. It's grown to become this larger sized high school hell phenomenon. Every time the lecture room gets loud, I get numb. I can't walk down the hallways without turning around wondering who's surrounded me. The more I try to avoid them. The more I see of them. I'm sickened.

Such a large bureaucracy and they can't even manage to run their own book store? Hell. Their system makes us seem like drunken lab rats running around in a maze.

People who I never thought could, are starting to annoy me. Odd. Vice versa, people who I thought I'd never get along with or who ticked me off for a period of time...are becoming a lot closer to me. Catastrophe.

Realization #1: This weekend led me to realize how pathetic my family really is. OK well it's not like I didn't already know. I think I was just ignoring it and avoiding it. I really do admire them. I'd be sentence to a life time of living hell and I'd die a brutal death from karma if I turn my back on them. No matter how bad their flaws are, and how many mistakes they've made. They raised me. They were always there for me through all the crap I had to endure. Sometimes I just wish that they were willing to forgive and forget. The whole family feud thing is becoming more and more aggravating. What he did was wrong, I won't deny that. But they owe him a lot. Its because of him that they got to be here. I don't see why they just can't put all this bullshit aside. They all came from the same mother. Doesn't that justify as anything? And the house. That stupid house. Can't they just split the profit?

I miss my cousin. We grew up like brother and sister. He was the one person who was always there that I could turn to and talk to. Then this whole ordeal happened with the family. And it just tore us apart. Because of their pointless fighting, we got to see less and less of each other. Now 13 years later, he's suffering. I know they say he's fine. I know he says he's fine. But I'm not stupid. I know enough, and I know him well enough to know that he's hurting. My attempt to fix this has also been in vain. The more I think about it, there's no way to enlighten them. They're all so stubborn.

Realization #2: This is where I get it from. The stubbornness, the ability to push people out of my life, being anti-social and being angry. I'm not blaming them. It's my own fault for picking up their bad habits. Now I know what my mom's family means when they say that I'm just like my dad and his family. I always took pride in that statement. And I still do. I know they threw it as me as a bad thing, but fuck them. If they were any better then maybe I'd care.

So what do I do now? Sit here and wait for everything to unfold itself? I've been waiting for quite some time now. Nothing has improved. I don't know what will happen for Cindy's wedding. I know they're just using the weather as an excuse, but really, they just don't wanna go because he'll be there. So what? It's not like they have to talk to each other.

Am I making my family out to be total monsters? That's so not my intention. They're not bad people. They're not selfish people. They just act that way to each other.

Joy.