Enlightened?

So I'm doing o.k? Who would have guessed! Of course I still have my moments of wonder. I still have no idea why he added me back on msn, but I can't bring myself to care about him! Cool! If only my studying and essaying attempts would go this easy!

Disappointment of the week: I thought there was going to be new Smallville! Unfortunately I'm going to have to wait until the 17th to see who's going to die. I'm guessing it's Lionel from the spoilers and promo caps. Oh I know I shouldn't have looked! But I couldn't resist! Besides, my home page is the Kryponsite, so how could I have possibly not seen it? This is going to be a crazy and disappointing week, not just because of Smallville, but because of all the exams. At least my essay is sort of coming together. I'd like it to come along a bit faster, but life isn't going to work that way for me. I should be terrified, but I'm so calm. I know I'm going to fail, BUT I'M SO CALM. Damnit Welling, you see what you're doing to me? Which reminds me, Tom Welling is currently at first place with 43% of the votes (90% of that which are mine) along with co star Erica Durance who is also at number one in her category with 43% of the votes! I'm so proud of them! (And me). Now to dominate the study world! Maybe this small Smallville break is what I need to get me back into the zone? (Pfft, yea right!)

Odd

Ever since I was small, being in my grandmothers house was normal for me. I was comfortable there. I spent a lot of time there. I was usually there during the day when my parents were at work, during summer vacation, march break and P.A days. Most days during the school year I would go to her house after school to grab something to eat. It was all familiar and comfortable to me. I never really gave it much thought, but after Grandpa passed away, I've been spending less and less time there. Now I only set foot in that house for Christmas, mothers day, or if she needs something. I don't know what it is, but the house now feels somewhat colder. I don't feel comfortable there, and I don't want to be there. It's not that I have anything against my grandmother, I just can't be in that house for too long! I don't think I'm scared of grandpa's ghost haunting it, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to be in that house alone! Something about it just doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe I'm scared, and paranoid. But I cannot say it logically how I feel as soon as I step into the basement of the house. So much has changed within my family since I was a kid. It's hard to believe that I once grew up and lived happily there. Most of my faintest memories are good, fun and delightful. But they date way back. I think the last few good memories that I've had from that house go back to grade four or five. Ever since then everything has been a blur. I don't know what I can do in order to get that feeling of comfort back, and to be honest, I don't think I care enough to try. Of course I miss those good times, but sadly things will never go back to the way they were. I've grown, my family and has grown, and we've all lost many ties within one another.

Monday Morning Blues

But I'm feeling seriously green. I envy people who can get up and find energy to survive a cold Monday morning right after loosing an hour of sleep due to the time change. Who the hell really cares about day light anyways? I prefer my hour of sleep! SLEEP! I'm either getting too much or too little of it. I don't know any more. My body is loosing grip with my mental state. I don't know what it is! I'm not healthy. I hate people who can make a commitment to a healthy lifestyle and stick to it. I have no motivation or will power! I'm tired of school and I'm tired of listening to people complain. In all honesty, I don't care about one or anything but Smallville! Speaking of which, they started filming episode 16 of this season today, and it's about time! I've been so worried about the show lately, the good news is that there will be no Lana Lang for season eight, but there will also be no Lex. No more Michael Rosenbaum. I adore him, but at least more focus will be on my Tom Welling. *Smiles*
This month is so brutally painful and slow. So far I'm finished 2 out of my 5 essays. 3 more to go! Then I have to study for a make up nats sci test this Wednesday, read an over due book for a book report due next Wednesday. Finish my essays for April 1st, and study for my mid term on April 1. Oh and great, I just remembered that I have tests on the 31st as well. See what I mean by brutal? On top of all of this fun stuff, I'm still also suffering the loss of him. I miss him sometimes. It's those stupid, funny conversations that I miss the most. The ones the brighten my day. So as you can guess, asides from the days that Smallville is on, my days are pretty damn dull!
So the Monday blues continue. I'm sitting here waiting for my class to start. I haven't done much, or any of the readings for this class. In all honestly, I'm disgusted with this course as well as the others. Really sweet T.A though. He just walked in so I thought I'd mention that :)

Mistakes and Lessons

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. --John Powell

We live, we learn. We make mistakes and we learn from them. We strive to not repeat these mistakes. I'm guilty of re-offending.
I do not know what it is about him that first attracted me. He was a jerk. Quiet possibly I like jerks? Or maybe it was his sudden thirst for me, that something that made him attracted to me. I don't know. I care not to know. What I would like to know is where it all went wrong. I can blame him, and I can blame myself. But what is all this blame doing for me? I'm still sitting here clueless. My actions are unjustifiable, my mind is weary and my soul is aching. I've placed so much of my trust in him, that I've forgotten how to trust myself.