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Phobia

Phobia: 1) A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.
2) A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.



I've let my fear of being hurt by people get the best of me. I don't know exactly why I do this. But I don't know how to make it go away. I have this fear that everyone who I care about, and everyone who I trust will end up turning their back on me and that will just result to me being hurt. I've put my trust into so many people, and the end result was always me being hurt. I've learned to accept that I was just too naive with my feelings and emotions. I put myself out there too much. I trusted people way too much, I had too much faith in them. In the end, that was what brought me to where I am now. It's not that I don't want to confide in people, it's just that now I tend to think twice before. When someone has the ability to make me slip up and spill my guts to them, I feel good for a bit, but then I start to have regrets. Sometimes you need to let things out. But who do you let it out too? Someone can tell you over and over again that they care about you and that you can always talk to them. But how true is that? How far does that go?

My first speculation was that I could tell my family everything, especially my dad and Sheldon. But lately, Shell's been avoiding everyone, and I can't let the pain that I'm feeling hurt my dad. I can't do that to him. He's dealing with enough right now, he shouldn't have to add a depressed daughter to his list.

I shouldn't say that I'm depressed. Because I don't know if I am. I don't think I am, or I don't hope that I am. I think I'm just a bit over emotional right now. "A bit" might be an understatement!! My mood swings are out of this world! I don't even know if I can blame PMS anymore. I think maybe I do have problems. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to being happy and able to trust people. Lately all I've been doing was pushing people away. My dad, my friends, my family... even the people who I feel that I can tell everything too. "Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert. My mind is dying. I'm drifting off and I'm not suppose to. I thought that once school started, I'd be too focused on it to worry about other stupid things. But I still am I. I'm stressing my self over "him". I guess in a way it's true what they say, "you always want what you can't have". Part of me finds it hard to believe that he can't tell that I have feelings for him. Or can he? It's thoughts like these that keep running through my mind and sickening me with unanswerable questions. I could sit here and wonder for hours about him. I know I have better things to do. I'm behind in some of my readings....and I didn't start the rest of them. I have 2 essays due in a week as well as a test. I don't even know what I have due and when. Yet I'm sitting here thinking about a guy? Ha. I'm the typical pathetic female that I criticise.

My thoughts and priorities are all over the place. Scattered and disorganized. That's what my life has become; a big mess. I don't know where to start in trying to unscrew my screw ups. Lately I feel like I owe everyone an apology. I've brought this all on myself. I have no one to blame. I wish I could though. It'd be so easy to yell at someone, and blame them for everything that goes wrong in my life. The other day I was talking about how easy it is to be angry, I still feel this way. When I'm angry, I don't have time for self pity and self hate. I just take that and throw it towards someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone else, I wouldn't wish these feeling on anyone else.

I'm low on self-esteem and confidence. Why? Good question. I use to be so sure of myself and everything I stood for. But now it's all a blur to me. I hope the people in my life can figure out what I'm going through and realize that it's me, not them. Most of all I hope they can all forgive for this.



Gotta get done:

Soci 2040: Sociological Theory:

• October 30th, Mid-term
• November 26th, Fall essay?
• The four weeks of reading that I didn't do

Soci 2030: Sociological Research Methods:

• Literature review, October 24; 30% (ahhhh fuckkkkkkkkk)
• ALL the readings that I didn't do

Soci 2060: Social Interaction and Community

• In Class test, November 5 (gotta do well on this one since the last one flopped)
• This weeks reading. (thankfully)

Soci 3420: Population and Society

• OT3. Cohort Power, October 23
• Readings. Mostly all of them

Nats Sci 1860: Science: Past, Present, Future

• Test #1, October 22
• Double Helix review, November 28
• I actually gotta study for this :(

Melancholy

I'm once again questioning the stability of my mentality. Brutal. I finally opened Allison Mack's blog after weeks to do some catching up. I realized how alike we are. Not as her character of Chloe, but of her in person. Which is pretty cool. Sadly, the thing that we share in common is our bad habit of "over dramatizing and over-complicating things" which leads to what? Stress and agony. Then she left this quote from Tom Welling, which I think is beautiful. “In the end...it is everything and it is nothing. It is all just for the experience.” Awesomeness!! But what is this experience. In her life, I guess its her job. Smallville... being an actor, soon going to direct an episode. Plus she's been traveling over the summer to China and Mexico. Which leaves me to wonder, what exactly is my experience? School? The people who I encounter? The things I feel or the things I avoid trying to feel? Today in my social theory class we talked about the "self". Some of the questions that arose were "What is the self? Who am I seeing? Who owns me? Do I own myself?" To me this seems like just looking in the mirror and doing alot of screaming at yourself. But then I thought about it some more, and it hit me, I can't answer those questions myself. I don't know if I live for me, or if I live for everyone else. I'm guessing it has to be a bit of both. Although, I would prefer that I lived for me and only me. Sometimes I feel so stupid about the things that I say or do. I try to laugh it off, but in the end the laughter just turns into unhappy hours of laying in bed crying. Is my life miserable? Most likely not, but that's where my dramatization habit kicks in. So now what? How do I go about analyzing my life? Or for that matter, my self? Maybe I just shouldn't do that? Because that would be over thinking? And that's my other weakness.

The journey of Smallville came to a large halt last week. I missed an episode! The horror! The A-channel decided to do a day switch on me with a sever lack of advertising. Lesson: never build your life or timetable around a t.v show. I missed a serious lack of Super girls cleavage and a cute confused Tom Welling. Have I mentioned how much I hate Lana?! Her character so sucks. And when is Chloe ever going to get a break. First they rip her apart from Clark, kill her more than once, and now the ruin the passion of her job?! Freakish. I can't wait to see how the Lex/Clark plot is going to turn out. Now that Kara is here...Lex is going to have rampage. Anddd great. The next few weeks for me are going to be BRUTAL!!! mid-terms and essays...and NO CLUE TO WHAT'S GOING ON!!! Ahhhh! I hate that I put myself into these situations. Haha, here I go again with the self hate.

Brilliant.

Alright, well I just took a 5 minute walk in the rain, and during that walk, I concluded that the world needs people like myself and Allison. The society needs dramatization and over thinkers. We're analytic. We try and figure things out, and most of the time we do succeed. We're important because our stress, and our agony, makes other people open their eyes. And in the end, it helps us to identify our "self". I still don't know how to exactly describe my "self", and I wouldn't say that I'm independent, but I'm close to getting some sort of answer. The way I look at it is that there is no pure definition of one's self. It's not possible. The self is an on going process. But now should I sit here and judge my lastest actions? Should I analize what's been stressing me out and why I've been letting it stress me out? I can't even get my thoughts together. This is why I need to blog my life away.

Well there's

1) School. I'm not staying on track, I'm lost, and I'm not doing anything to fix it. I know I'm suppose to do my readings, go to class, go over my notes. But I'm not. I know I should be studying my ass off, but I'm not. I know I don't want to let my parents down, but I am. Yet I'm stilling being lazy and not doing anything with my life other than feeling sorry for myself.

2) Smallville; I'm letting a t.v show take over my life.... need I say more? I planned my school year around it. I'm willing to make myself the most devoted fan, thus leading me to forget and ignore my priorities as a student. I use Smallville as my happiness. Pathetic much? Very.

3) Him. I know it's not possible, yet I still let my mind ponder and dream. --> lack of stability. I don't know what I want from him. I don't know what he wants from me. One minute he cares, then next he's holding back and we're not talking. How could that be? How did we go from being so close to just drifting apart. Was it because of me? Have my actions pushed him away? I thought I could trust him fully, but as I look at my past actions, there so many things that I haven't told him yet, and there are so many things that I'm keeping from him. The more that I think about it, there are parts of my life that I never want to share with him, or anyone else. Ever. Will he be able to accept that? Will he even be able to accept me as I am? I can't even define myself let alone face him with the truth.

4) Family. It's easier to love them from afar. I know they care about me deeply. I know that they would do anything for me. So how are they able to hurt me so badly without knowing it? You'd think the look in someones eye can give away their feelings. I guess my eyes are just emotionless? They let stupid things get between them. In my defence...that's where I learned it from. I've gotten their stubbornness, I've gotten their attitude, I've gotten their ways of not being able to forgive. But I'm also hoping I got their good traits. I'd list them, but I'm still uncertain as to what they are.

5) Shell. What the flippppinnnnnnn helll is going on with him. He's built this cocky exterior around himself...AND IT SUCKS!!!! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS BLOWSSSS. "I'm your brother, I'm always here for you.. you can always talk to me" Bitch bitch blah blah. I CAN'T TALK TO YOU IF YOU'RE NOT THERE!!!! Duh.

6) Letting my guard down and placing my trust into someones hands. Gotta stop doing this. I thought I could trust him. I really did. Now I question that. I shouldn't tell people things. I shouldn't care that people care. Because people .... people are selfish...and... Well I clearly have no argument do I? :) Hah. The point is, I trusted him way too much.

I'm loosing track on this.

7) My dad. The ONE person who I can trust. The one person who I know will always be there for me; but that's why I can't tell him any of this. I don't care about a lot of people. I'm very selective. But my dad, I'd die for him. That's why I can't tell him how much I hate myself. I can't tell him that I'm so lost in this world that I can't even think straight. It'd break his heart. I can't hurt him. This is how I know that I'm the spitting image of him. Because he's doing the same thing. I know he's not happy about something, but he's keeping it from me to protect what's left of my emotional stability. It's like we both know that somethings going on, but we don't want to hurt each other. Maybe its best this way.

8) Trust. After writing all of this, I don't even think I know what it is anymore. Everyone expects me to "trust" them and have my life as an open book just lying there for the world to read. I don't want that. I like keeping things to myself.

9) Hate. This comes to easy for me. Being compassionate and trusting is hard, being angry and hating everyone who hurts me... it's so easy. The truth is, I'd rather be angry than sad, because it hurts less.

10) Questions! I hate them! I hate being questioned about how I feel and why I feel that way and who I feel that way about. Just leave me alone! The next time someone questions me, I'm just going to ignore them.

I've noticed that this list went from being what stresses me out to what pisses me off. But honestly, this rant was so totally therapeutic.

“Man could not live if he were entirely impervious to sadness. Many sorrows can be endured only by being embraced, and the pleasure taken in them naturally has a somewhat melancholy character. So, melancholy is morbid only when it occupies too much place in life; but it is equally morbid for it to be wholly excluded from life.”
-Emile Durkheim

Fixing all of this? I don't even know if that's possible. I think I've damnaged for good! I'd have to let go of all my fears, all of my anger. 1) I'm not ready to do that 2) I don't think that I could even if I did want to. So from this point on what do I do?




http://www.allisonmack.com/