On turning 21

I'm turning 21 and all that my life consists of is a t.v show, a job I don't like and a school I despise. Hell, the little I do have of my life, I spend it on facebook stalking my driving instructor, who by the way has disowned me to my face. I have no idea what I want out of my future, and I have no idea how to move myself out of this fixed world that I've created on my own. I'm like the planet Krypton, just waiting for self destruction! My center core is rupturing with so many emotions that I think I'm going to explode.

Holly shit, did I say I'm turning 21? I'm an adult now. I'm officially legal to drink and go clubbing in the US (which I have no intention of doing). But hell, I'm an adult. Aren't adults suppose to be mature? Aren't they suppose to make good decisions? I know everyone has their faults and I know everyone makes mistakes, but I feel as though I'm light years away from being mature. I don't even know what it means to be mature. Does it mean putting away the posters that cover your bedroom walls? Or stop calling everyone "dude"? Or stop reading books about vampires and werewolves? Maybe its about making amends with people who you didn't get along with when you were a kid or getting back in touch with that good friend you once had. And instead of those childish trips to the mall, you're suppose to go to coffee shops and talk about politics and other grown up stuff.

As much as I want to live a care free life, I'm going to have to make choices and one day I'm going to have to support myself. This shit terrifies the hell outta me. I don't want to grow up. I like my batman poster and superman movies and I love Smallville and vampire books. I want to live a different life, and I want to grow up and enter the real world, but part of me is too scared the leave my four walls of comfort.

I don't know how to being growing up. I can't do simple things like let go of high school grudges. I can't say things to people who I care about because I can't seem to put my pride aside. I log on to apply for teachers college, and I just freeze. Is that what I want? What else can I do with a freaking sociology major? I've limited myself in the worse possible way. Oh yea, I don't even like kids!!!

Here's what I think it is. I'm too damn lazy. I'm too lazy to fill out those damn forms. I'm too lazy too push myself to be something more. I live my life hoping that everything will just work out and unfold on its own. THAT'S why I'm a sociology major at York. THAT'S why I'm so confused. Laziness and fear. Two evil blood sucking demons!

Oh and on a brighter note, my family implied that my biological clock is now starting to tick so I better get on it. Then they asked me if I want to celebrate my 21st. HA!! The beginning of the end is starting and they want me to call on a celebration???? I think not :|

Pondering 2oo8

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Fixed, boring, dead conversations. Really, I hear the crickets chirping under the ground, under the 20 centimeters of snow.

Same thing, same questions. Their either lifeless and humorless, or just really disgusting.

It's not that I don't know what a good conversation is, because I do. I use to have them, but they seem so long ago. So long ago that I can't even remember what the hell they were about. However, I do remember that I enjoyed them, and that I miss them.

You can try so hard to keep a balance of liveliness and humor. You can put all this effort into keeping the other person captivated. That's where the problem is; when you have to try, it isn't there.

If there's one thing I've learned over the course of 2008, it's that you can't force friendship, and you can't force something that isn't there. You can lie to yourself and pretend that things are the way you want it to be, but really, you're just kidding yourself in the end.

Friendship comes naturally, you either bond with someone, or you don't. That's why best friends are best friends, they know what to say to each other. They know when to be harsh and when to be sympathetic. Their the ones who you can get into a fight with, and make up with without having to say a word.

I'd like to believe in what I'm rambling about, and for the most part the friendships that I've had over the years have proven my theory to be right. Yet I still question this, because what about that one friend who you told everything too? The one who you spent hours on the phone with every night just talking about stuff? Like just stuff...anything and everything? What happens when you fall apart from them and you can't seem to find your way back? How does that happen? You have this bond with someone for over 5 years, then it feels like they've disappeared. But they haven't gone anywhere, they're right where they always were, you just can't bring yourself to say what you need to say to them. Does this void the whole friendship theory? Or is it just an exception? Can you try to make the friendship come back? If you put effort will it be the way it was before? Or is what you once had gone forever?

How often do we let that one special person go? People around you have these ideas of what the two of you are. Some people try and break that apart, and even succeed. Then their the ones who give advice on how to fix things, but hell, if it were so easy don't they think it would have been done already? I'm holding back on saying what needs to be said, because I'm terrified of trying. I don't want to try, I want it to be there. I want to just be able to say "hey, long time", and have everything be alright again.


You can speak over and over again, but you'll never be heard until someone listens.